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17 August 2006

catchin' up

ok, so i'm going to do my best in catching everyone up on what i've been doing and i'll try not to miss TOO much stuff. there was a bunch that went on between my first two domestic indian flights. i'm guessing the best format would be vignettes, so...

*GRAPHIC (GRUESOME)* on the way from rajahmundry to vizag airport, i was nodding off here and there as it really isn't a very exciting trip. about an hour outside rajahmundry, i was more conscious than not, and my driver slowed down a bit and pointed to an accident on the side of the road. there on the left shoulder of the road (and indians drive on the left, so it's RIGHT next to me as we pass) is a dead man. seems he was driving his scooter along, and fell or something, and his head was SMASHED. his brain had actually evacuated itself through the top of his head and shot across the street. birds were feasting, and locals were walking past like it was nothing. no police (yet), no one calling officials, no tarp or sheet to cover him, no diversion around. it was insane, but we must move on.

*GRAPHIC (PSEUDO-SEXUAL)* i­'m sorry i have to let you in on this, but it is part of the story. i've been trying out some, shall we say, sex toys, while on the road. a guy gets lonely, OK?!?! anyways, once i'd arrived at my first airport, the tiny vizag airport, i had to send my bags through the X-ray screening. i thought i'd removed the batteries but, lo and behold, negatory. the security guy pulled me aside and told me something was vibrating **SHITE**. so we grab the bag, put it on a table, and i have to open it and show him what it was. i pull it out (i'm not going into details as to what it was, use your imagination if you MUST), trying to hide it from the general public (i wasn't embarrassed, but i figured the local ladies might be surprised), and took the battery out. then the security guy wanted a description on how it worked. WTF?! i gave him a brief rundown, then he asked about the other few items i had in the same box o' debauchery. again, he wanted more play-by-plays on how they worked. he invited the OTHER security guys over to look at them, then he invited the head of security over to look at them. this was getting a wee bit ridiculous. anyways, after they'd all left and i was packing up, the security guy asked me for one. PARDON MOI?! yeah, he wanted one of my toys. a non-new sex toy, because his family was in hyderabad and he was all alone in vizag. maybe THAT is why AIDS is rampant in small-town india. cardinal rule in perversion, you DON'T share sex toys with strangers. googly. so i checked my bag, got my tickets, walked around the shoebox sized airport, grabbed a drink, then walked past security again where the guy asked me to sit down again. he was disappointed that i didn't give him something. i told him i was sorry, but my bags are checked now. he allayed my concern by telling me that he was security... he could UN-check my bag if i wanted. there's no getting around this. i came up with some excuse why i couldn't give him one, and he insisted on giving me his address, so that i can mail him one from the states. and that is the end of THAT story.

*non-GRAPHIC (spoiled indians)* i'd made my flight from vizag to hyderabad easy enough, my bags (and all toys) had arrived safely. i rechecked my bags and headed to the business class lounge for my 2 hours layover (leaving my a comfortable 5-6 hour layover in delhi to either, get a shower at the hotel or COMFORTABLY get to the international airport). i was in the lounge for maybe an hour, dicking around (this is where my last post was written from), when an old guy, a heavy mid-thirties lady, her 5-6 year old girl and her toddler waddled into the business class lounge. the receptionist asked for their tickets to verify they were business class, and indeed, they were not, so they were asked to leave. they bitched and moaned and claimed they were ENTITLED to being there because their flight was delayed. AND they INSISTED the lounge give them a blanket for the toddler because it was too cold in the business lounge. there is a lounge next door for transit passenger peons such as themselves but the lady refused. she needed a sofa to lie down on with her child. reception had to call security to remove them, security came and asked them to leave, but they refused. security also brought drug/bomb sniffing dogs and mirrors on long sticks to look for explosives under the chairs. apparently if anything remotely exciting happens, they bring out the dogs. they found nothing, the people wouldn't move so the manager was called. the manager told them to get their asses out now or they'd cancel the peoples' ONGOING flight ticket leaving them stranded at the airport. the lady kept asking "are you in the service industry? i'm in the service industry and the customer is always right". what a fukking pompous ass. i wanted to shove her jelly-roll eating ass down the steps. people like that who think they are entitles to certain things because THEY aren't prepared, piss me off. and she was. ends up the airline canceled their onward flight (i was ROLLING inside, wanting to burst our in song and dance at the predicament they'd placed themselves in). they talked all sorts of shite on the airline for not being personable, and cursed them to go bankrupt. all because they were being kicked out of an area they were trespassing in. if that happened in america, i wouldn't be surprised at all if they were taken in by the TSA and strip searched... and THAT, i would've paid money for. assholes. and i had to deal with this for about FOUR hours, as my flight was continually being delayed due to rain. onto departure three

*non-GRAPHIC (no luck in delhi)* so, i arrive in delhi DOMESTIC airport about 2-3 hours later than expected. india hasn't caught on to the brilliant western idea of having ONE airport with different domestic and international terminals. i arrived and grabbed my bags ASAP. found a taxi and paid about $20 to go the 10-15 miles from the domestic to the international airport. on the way, we have to go through crazy crowded ghetto where my taxi was hit by a lorry. it wasn't a crazy impact since it was crowded, but the lorry it the right side of the car toward the rear and kept pushing us. the driver was getting out to yell at him but i told him to fukk off, i was running WAY too late for him to be getting out and complaining about a fender bender. he got back in the car and dropped me at the international airport.

when i arrived, my flight was going through security check already. i went to the counter, got my tickets, checked my check baggage, and ran for security. the security line was at least 100 yards long AND went around a corner where i couldn't see how far that went. my flight leaves at 12:15AM and it is now 11:30PM. I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!! i was freakin'. every american airlines person who went past, i was asking if they were expediting american people to the front (since this security line was made primarily of KLM people getting on a 2AM flight to amsterdam). i told them i HAD to get on that flight, and i needed to jump ahead. they assured me it was no problem and they were pulling people from the back first WTF!!! they are getting special treatment for being later than I was??? it was exactly 12:15AM when i went through the metal detector, bag OK. i ran about 20 yards and there was a second random checkpoint, they went through my ENTIRE bag, all OK, now it is 12:25 or so. i grab my bag and run, and right before my gate there is a THIRD checkpoint i get chosen for (probably since i'm RUNNING to get to the gate ontime). they check my bag, OK (and coincidentally, i met an indian TA that had been onsite before waiting at the same gate, whatup senroy?!) i'm running down the jet bridge and about 10 feet from the airplane door, i get stopped yet again. they open my bags... they take my aleve, they take my chapstick, they take my AAA batteries for my bose headphones, and they take my deodorant. now, at this point i'm, fricking livid. i'm a good traveler. i don't mind taking my belt or shoes off, it's safer that way. i'm cool about that. but i was crazy late, AND i'd been through THREE other checkpoints that found all those items to be acceptable. i was yelling a bit, and i apologize now. i told them i'd take a fistful of the aleve to show them it's safe, and told them their might be some complaints if i start sweating on the flight and don't have any deodorant. they allowed me to put on tons of deodorant before they confiscated it. another funny thing... they took my SPARE AAA batteries but left the one in the headset. i was pissed, but i was on the plane. i settled in, drank, drank some more, watched MI:3 without having to pay tom cruise a single crazy scientology penny, i drank some more and slept. next, security in chicago... i'm almost home.

*GRAPHIC (if you consider public displays of my underwear graphic)* we arrived in the U.S. i wanted to kiss the ground, but that would've slowed up my re-entry into the U.S. and customs clearance. i cleared all easily, re-checked my bags, and went on my way through security to wait for about 2 hours until my flight. but things can't be that easy... i had issues in every airport so far. as i was going through security i saw they were being more stringent, so i removed my laptop from the bag, my shoes and belt as it expedites things. as i said, i'm a good traveler. anything to speed things up. i've even learned the correct order to put things on the belt (computer bag first so you can grab it, and get it ready for the computer coming next, etc.). i was waiting for my belt and shoes to come through the machine, i cleared fine, and i thought i had my short friction-hitched (i'm urbandictionary-ing that soon) well enough to grab my computer tray, and turn to put it in my bag. not the case. if i'm not losing weight, i'm redistributing it, and my ass dwindles daily. as i made the turn, computer tray in hand, the shorts dropped... to the ankles. normally in this case, i hoot or squeal or something, usually to add a humorous effect, but luckily my funny side was packed in my checked baggage. i QUICKLY set down the tray and pulled up my drawerz with only one lady (i think) at the security screening section over from me seeing my calvin kleins (i'm the new marky mark, bitchez). all was good, i packed everything up, BELTED myself, and i was on my way home.

now i'm in columbus, blogging about it. missing college after seeing the OSU buildings and the oval. yea.

hope you enjoyed. later.


Anonymous Stephanie said...

This is far to screwed up not to be real. It only happens to you Zac only to you.

2:38 PM, August 18, 2006  
Blogger themom said...

hee hee hee

11:08 PM, August 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I average 110 flights a year and I have never seen anyone lose their pants. That is hilarious.

Personally I like to go Shoes, unzippped laptop bag, laptop, rolly bag. Slip shoes on, open bag, toss in laptop, grab rolly bag and go. I have it down so well I get a few double takes at O'Hare for my effiency. You know how they have those competitions for Best Barista or Best grocery store bagger? I think Security Line Navigation would be my corporate travel olympics event.

Welcome back to the US - enjoy your break.


12:24 PM, August 21, 2006  

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