energy drink review, part I

red bull - kinda tastes like crap, but comes in smaller sized can that conveniently mixes well with other liquors at a bar. gives me massive heartburn, and after downing three or four in 10 minutes, i've been known to giggle uncontrollably, especially at this clip.

full throttle (black can) - tastes like fuzzy navels, people will think you've been kissing an underage bridesmaid at a wedding reception all night.

full throttle (blue fury) - tastes like green apples for some reason instead of "blue agave flavor". isn't agave what is used to make tequila? i was thoroughly disappointed. after having the black can, i thought they were going for a legal liquor-based theme. too bad.

rock star (punched) - supposed to taste like fruit punch, but it tastes more like the post-church service kool-aid that stains kids upper lips while the adults are engaging in post-sermon "fellowship".

monster (green M) - very similar to redbull with a hint of citrus. i think there's a hint of a manufactured nasty-ass aftertaste just enough to make you hate yourself for drinking it, but not enough to stop you from trying it ONE MORE TIME. repeat, ad nauseum. cool green poptab though.

monster (assault) - this drink tastes like something you'd take when you're on the couch, sick, and you need the energy to get up to "visit" the bathroom. it's a hybrid of cough medicine and those little "smarties" candies that were better snorted than chewed (did i say that?). not sure if i can finish this, but i'm going to try. cool red poptab though.

monster (lo-carb) - the tastes what i'd expect diet laundry detergent to taste like. it's so bad, i actually think that it MIGHT taste better coming back up, only because your brain is acknowledging that it's getting that shite outta the body, and you learned your lesson as to never drinking it again. when you belch (which you are destined to due to the massive carbonation), you get the horror of reliving that awful taste without the joy mentioned previously of "expulsion" (that in no way condones bulimia). really pansy sky-blue poptab, so there's no real upside besides 20 calories per can, zero if you upchuck, which is extremely likely.

<EDIT>full throttle (nature is one bad mother) - um, i'm 50/50 on this one. it is supposed to be açai berry flavored. i have no clue what that is, where someone at coca-cola heard of it, and why they would think that an energy drink should taste like it, but that's beside the point. it's not THAT bad. apparently when açai berry flavoring is simulated through various chemical trials and combined into a carbonated energy drink, it tastes like iced tea, lightly flavored with a mix of raspberry or peach). i like iced tea, i don't like raspberry or peach iced tea, so if that's your thing, you might like it. it's pinkish in color from what i can tell from the little left on the can lip. the belch burns more than most and doesn't taste as good, maybe it's eating away at my digestive system, i'm not sure, i suppose that could be a side effect of this entire study. either way, it isn't as bad as any of the others.</EDIT>

to date, full throttle (black can) is leading the race, hands down. full throttle in general (being a coke product) seems to have the best handle on this market in the way of taste. any suggestions? i'll move them to the top of my list. as of now, i'm using the monte carlo method of choosing which drink to test.