U.S. religious knowledge survey

recently, the pew forum on religion and public life released the results of their recent U.S. religious knowledge survey. sadly, 86% of THE PEOPLE SURVEYED (not americans as they would suggest... it IS an extrapolation afterall), believe in "god" or a higher power. the problem is, most of these people who believe in god/higher power don't really know the tenets or history of what they believe in. it seems they know that church means dressing up the family on sunday, going to church, feeding the kids cookies so they are quiet during the service, listening to the sermon (a.k.a bible cliff's notes), eating some stale bread and wine, and then going home to watch the game. it's tradition, it's a habit (and a bad one at that, in my opinion). many of these people base their personal beliefs and political stances on a book they haven't read. they cherrypick the parts of their book that support their prejudices (homosexuality is bad) but ignore the ones that just aren't fun [no premarital sex, no pork, no eating lobsters, no rare meat, shaving, or cutting of the hair (still, i think that link is a bit strange too. i think since jesus was basically raised a jew as far as we know, he was a jew who stirred a following and started an offshoot that was probably still based in part on judaism. similar to how islam is based on judaism, acknowledges jesus, and is just a 3rd iteration / prophet from the original judaism)].

as usual, i digress. i find it entertainingly ironic that of the people polled (and again, this is but 1/1000 of a percent of the population) that atheists/agnostics topped the poll with the best scores followed by jews, mormons, and the best catholic score coming in 5th. if you are here, more than likely you know i am an atheist. i was raised lutheran until the age of 14 or so when i went to TheMom and said i didn't believe in god. it didn't make sense. math and science explained a lot more than church did for me, and even though there's a lot that science couldn't explain, that set grew smaller every day, something that doesn't happen with religion. TheMom was heartbroken, thinking she raised me wrong, but i assured it had absolutely nothing to do with that. it had to do with my free will and the thinking/analytical mind i was born with. as i got older, she came out as an agnostic. i hope this wasn't from my doing as i'm not much for proselytizing... as long as no one gets hurt, i think everyone has the right to believe what they want. i believe she was agnostic far earlier in her life, but that just wasn't accepted so she fell in line with what she was supposed to do culturally. i don't blame her for this. it is certainly a safer environment now to walk away from religion, at least in the western world.

i've lived in the hindu culture which i am quite fond of in their acceptance of other religions. sadly, those other religions were massive missionary expeditions which i thoroughly despise. i personally witnessed the bringing of clothes, money, food, and classrooms to the young. the parents were hindu and the children converted to mormonism via the missionary church that was set up. i asked the parents how they felt about their children leaving the religion they themselves were brought up in, and they said as long as their children were happy, the parents were happy. i half believed this. hinduism does seem to be a happy, peaceful religion trying to better oneself. on the other hand, they wanted their children to be happy and children are simple creatures. a new pair of shoes, a crisp clean white shirt and new tie all their own, a snack after the service that the parents couldn't afford. the children would be happier, but could it be said their happiness was bought? still, the hindus i met weren't angry about it, they were just trying to give their children a better purchase on a properous life by selling out their religious beliefs.

as for christianity, i've been reading the bible off and on for years as an education tool, a piece of literature. while i was in egypt, i read the qu'ran during ramadan as is typical of most muslims. i read this, too, as an educational tool. many of the muslims i worked with were excited that i was converting. when i explained that i was reading it to educate myself on the culture and the people, i ran in to quite a few who asked me stop reading it because that was not the purpose of the book. that's not to say they are any worse than some christians i've told about reading the bible keeping in mind a high degree of "suspension of disbelief". there are always going to be moderates and fundamentalists in every religion. i fear the fundamentalists in all of them. the same bible-thumping christians who tout their 2nd amendment right to keep and bear arms are usually the ones who claim this is a christian nation, forgetting that the 1st amendment, aside from protecting freedom of speech, also explicitly prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion. we are NOT a christian nation, we are a nation of many, believers and non-believers, and a diverse spectrum in between.

i believe over the course of civilized man, religion on the whole has done more harm than good, but on a personal level, i'm sure it's helped it fair share. for fun, why don't you go here and take the abridged test. i was hoping for a score of 100%, but i missed one. :-(

it's good to have time to be back.

blown away by scale

i am currently located in bellaire, ohio, TheUnitedStates, earth, TheSol system, TheOrionArm, TheMilkyWay, TheLocalGroup, TheVirgoSupercluster, TheKnownUniverse. each of these descriptions is EASILY several orders of magnitude larger than the previous one in the list. that is, ohio is at least 10 times larger than bellaire; TheUnitedStates is at least 10 times larger than ohio; etc. that is just mind-boggling considering as things get bigger, 10x bigger than that is just so insanely bigger that thinking of the next step makes brains cell runs for cover.

say, for example, you place a grain of sand on the very center of the 50-yard line on a football field. this grain of sand represents earth. a scaled sun would be a bit larger than a softball, just about the size of the 50-yard line stripe itself. that may not seem like a huge difference, but in actuality, you can fit about ONE MILLION earths in the sun (and thus approximately 1,000,000 grains of sand in this softball). now here's the insanity of scale... the largest known star in the universe is YZ Canis Majoris. can you take a guess how big it would be? just take a guess, would it fit between the 40-yard lines? maybe, the 20-yard lines? would it be goal line to goal line? think about it and take a guess...









well, if you gave up on guessing, i'll tell ya. granted these are rough calculations, but you'd have to add a football field to both sides of the one we are standing on and (neglecting endzones) YZ Canis Majoris would reach to the FAR 5 yard line on these extra fields. we think of our earth as big. we think of our sun as big. while it takes 8 minutes for our suns light to travel to use from the earth (just to reiterate, going the speed of light), it takes about 8 HOURS for light to cross from one side of YZ Canis Majoris to the other. just for shits and giggles and maybe strokes for people who have a hard time with big numbers. the number of earths that would fit in this big guy... almost 10,000,000,000,000,000. that's ten quadrillion earths in just one star.

that's about as far as i'm going to take the numbers for now, but think briefly... there are BILLIONS of stars each found in BILLIONS of galaxies each found in what might be millions of super-clusters. the scale is just awe striking and humbling. and with that, i need a break or a beer... or both.

BULLSEYE, muthfucka!

see more Funny Graphs

this graph say it all. granted, it's not scientific (it may be, but i'm not verifying the numbers), but from everything i HAVE heard it is relativistically right, that is, there are far more NORMAL flu deaths annually, than there have been SWINE flu deaths since it came out. get over it!

a roundabout story

here you find another "cowbirds in love" comic, though i don't find this one extremely funny. the reason i post it is the story that goes with it from the author. click on the picture to go to the page and read his story the frame.

when i read that story i had a bit of a flashback, and found i was laughing at myself. when TheMom had her first heart attack, us kids were kinda stuck fending for ourselves a bit. granted i was either a sophomore or junior in high school, there were some things we just didn't do... like grocery shopping. i can still picture it vividly, going to the kroger's with TheYoungerSister and TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime). we grabbed the buggy and split up going around the store getting what was on our little piece of the list. my job was to get lunchmeat for the house. i never paid attention to when TheMom bought lunchmeat, but i figured i was smart enough, i could figure it out. i took a number and waited in line, and soon it was my time to order. i told the lady i would like some bologna. she asked "which kind" to which i just pointed to one, and then "how much?"... **crickets** for some reason, i didn't think about how much, and i couldn't recall how much TheMom got at one time, so after a panicked few seconds, i said "5 pounds, please". the lady looked at my a bit strangely, and asked if i was sure. i told her "yes, it's for the week," and she went to it. i was kinda not really paying attention as she cut it, until TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) rounded the corner, eyes wide, seeing the massive tower of bologna that the lady was stacking up on the counter. it was maybe 12" tall (though, if you can't tell, i wasn't the greatest at scale back then). TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) ran down the aisle, chuckling the whole way trying to get the lady's attention to tell her that was enough meat. i may have imagined it, but i think TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) and the lunchmeat lady's eyes met, and together they silently thought... "DUMB BOYS!"

the arabic project, phase 1 : COMPLETE

that is my name there. i personally think my last name (the part on the left) looks bad ass, like a crown or something. i'm sending out the names i did off the top of my head today. if you didn't get one and wanted one, i apologize, i'm an ass. send me an email or a comment, and i'll make you one up for you. it's good practice for me and kinda fun. i verified all the names with native egyptian arabic speakers, so they should be pretty damn close. since these are transliterations, how i pronounce the name can change how it is written. for example, the way i say my last name is how it is written above. the way the locals HEAR me say my name is different; thus, they write it differently. the smae goes for my first name.. i say "zachary", and they relate that to "zakareyah" which is the approximate equivalent in arabic.

well, that's one of the MANY projects i've started, and so far, the only one completed. what's on next? tell me what you think about this, your name if i sent you one, and if you want one. later.

an experiment in arabic

i just made a list of friends' names and did my very best to write them in arabic. i had some trouble with a few since, for example, arabic doesn't have a letter "P" so i have to use "B". also, it doesn't have a "V" so i have to use "F". also, the vowelage in arabis is pretty nuts. they kinda don't use short vowels. there is a letter for "A" but the same symbol is at times a long "A" and at other times, it's short. there is a long "U" of sort, and a long "E". but, there's also a letter that can sometime sound like a long "O", "E", or "U". it's nuts. and again, keep in mind if you are an arabic speaker and want to refute this, please do. i'm just going from what i've learned from a few books and native arabic speakers who aren't really qualified to teach it. apparently, you can (and proper arabic does) have short vowels, but they aren't letters proper as they are similar to commas and apostrophes in between consonants that lket you know the connecting vowel sounds. i guess arabic could be described (syntactically) as the precursor to txt language. remove the vowels and we get (in english): tomorrow = tmrw; never = nvr; thanks = thx. we know immediately that "tmrw" means "tomorrow" without the vowels, but an ESL student might not know what vowel sounds go between those letters. that's my best description.

so, i guess in short, i've written some names, i'm going to check them over to see if they read correctly tomorrow with native speakers, correct what needs corrected, then i'm going to e-mail those people with their arabic names. yeah, i know, i'm bored. still, if i wrote my last name written correctly, it looks badass! if you want me to try to write your name in arabic and send it to you, send me an email from the address in my profile (linked at the top right), so i can have you e-addy, and this, i can email you your name back to you, and i'll do my very ASL (arabic as a second language) best to write it for you.

erase wisely

this is from a webcomic called "brown sharpie". it's full of crazy math comics that i rarely understand, but occasionally there is one simple enough for me to laugh at. this is one of them. if you don't get it, act like you are erasing a chalkboard side-to-side, and think about what your butt is doing. i had a very few cute female teacher's aides in college, and this was the highlight of my recitations with them.

i'm no longer cultural ambassador to egypt

like i ever really was, but still, i think i cemented that several nights ago. TheMech came back to site to help with a small outage we had to do before we could make any more progress on the second unit. since TheSiteManager wasn't sure when i was coming back from R&R, he booked TheMech to come back and assist. i arrived early than TheSiteManager had expected, and thus, while TheMech was booked and ready for his flight, i'd completed the outage. not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, TheMech came to site anyways to see how things were going.

friday night, we did our normal KFC run. i tried to seriously order the entire menu since i'm so bad with decisions (they wouldn't let me), i arm wrestled the manager for $20 (and lost... i've handily lost to him before, so i'm not sure why i wanted a rematch). TheMech, being a former boxer, tried to win the $20 back by daring the manager to pop him in the jaw. so we left. the manager gave me my $20 back and i gave it to the taxi driver (for what is normally a $3-$4 fare).

saturday night, we went to the portuguese club to watch manchester united play tottingham. the taxi dropped us off on the corner, and as we were walking to the bar, i noted a beautiful-eyed muslim girl walking our way (dressed in the niqab like in the picture), and i said TheMech (apparently too loud), "dude, look... a ninja!". by the time i realized she was talking to me, i turned around and she was storming up to me, and all i heard was "...assholes, go back to wherever you came from!". i wasn't trying to be patently offensive, i actually thought i was being witty, but it wasn't taken that way. i apologized as she stormed off, though i don't think she heard me. i mean, if i was in a society of ninjas and i saw one looking rather niqab-y, i think i would've done the similar thing by pointing out the niqab-wearer; only if the ninja took offense, he's just deftly launch his arsenal of shurikens at me, pinning me to the wall, nun chuck the shit out of me, then throw a smoke bomb and disappear. i'd rather taken the verbal tongue-lashing. but i mean, seriously, look at that picture... that IS very ninja-esque. do a google image search for 'niqab', and that's the second one down. she looked almost exactly like that.

sunday, TheMech and i met for breakfast and over a brief conversation decided that we weren't really needed onsite, so we played hookie. we changed out of our work clothes into more golf-appropriate attire, er... at least as best we could. i wore an lube oil stained polo shirt (it was a work accident), brown AE cargo shorts, and white adidas tennis shoes. TheMech wasn't so fortunate, having only packed an overnight bag and not expecting to go golfing. he wore his pink ralph lauren chaps button down (he pulls it off well), tan swimming trunks he'd bought the day before, black socks, and brown leather loafers. we were on guard for the fashion police all day. we got the sporting club and through arduous pseudo-translation and broken egyptian that was finally confirmed by a passing female guest, we determined that security was telling us that the tournament finished yesterday. HAH!!! he thought we looked like we were in a golf tourney. after we cleared that up, we learned that all we had to do was pay an entrance fee. we paid, got our clubs, and we lucky enough to get our favorite regular caddies, TheHassan and TheMohamed. my driving game was on fire. TheHassan gave me some tips on straightening my leading arm which helped, but my irons were so-so, and my putting was way too strong. TheMech had some pretty bad drives but some really awesome recoveries despite being in the bunker most of the day. it was a fun outing if not a sub-100 shot outing. afterward, we had TheDriver take us to the pompey's pillar. after that, we went to the catacombs of kom es-shogafa. this was a really cool visit, as you can go down through the first three levels and almost get lost in the maze of off-shooting galleries. the bottom-most level is roped off since it actually lies below the water table. actually, some of the lower tombs on the third level even had water in them. after the catacombs, TheMech and i went to the pool to catch some rays. we both ended up getting a bit red.

TheMech and i tried to arrange a final dinner with TheSiteLead and TheSiteManager, but that fell through. TheSiteLead has since moved to cairo because 1) he'll be leaving site soon, and 2) there is more to do down there... maybe i should move too. TheSiteManager was onsite very late trying to get the electrical to fix some of their problems that could have significantly hurt the schedule. we then called TheYoungMechTA to see if he wanted to go, we tried a new restaurant he suggested which was OK, but nothing to write home about (i guess kinda though, i am). the atmosphere was nice, but the food was only 50/50. he then drove us all around to find a drink but the bars/discos don't really open until 11:30PM or so, and it was only 10:30PM so we had him take us back to the hotel. we popped into the bar for a going away drink. TheCoolBartender made us some gin and tonics, then halfway through the second one, he poured three nasty-ass concoctions. a shot of smirnoff black with a splash of grenadine and a splash of hot sauce. he said it was very popular among the russian ladies where he used to work in hurghada, and that it would make us appreciate our G&Ts all the more. boy was he right. that was a FOUL drink. we drunk dialed my mom twice, once so she could talk to TheMech, and then after that call, TheCoolBartender asked who that was, and when i told him he said he'd've like to have talked to her, so we called back. TheMech thanked him for being such an entertaining bartender and tipped him. TheCoolBartender insisted that for him to take the tip, we had to have a drink with him... so we did a tequila shot. maybe he's not such TheCoolBartender anymore.

so that is the end of my weekend, and that is why i'm no longer cultural attache in egypt.

in other news...

TheRing is finally paid off.

my day off at a war museum

yesterday was the first time in ages that pretty much the entire team had the day off, so we got together by the encouragement of TheTrainer1 to go about 1.5 hours north of here to one of the last battle sites of WWII. i'm not a history buff nor am i really interested in war or war relics, but i figured it would be something to do to get me out of the hotel. we left the hotel around 10:00AM to make our way past the beautiful north coast along the mediterranean sea. TheMech and i went with one of the drivers we brought here from the last site. he's not the best driver or brightest person in the world, but he is good for a laugh (sadly, it's at him and not with him). TheTrainer1 was riding up with a welsh couple he met in the hotel that are moving here for work and wanted to go as well. all we knew was to drive to the north coast and go west. we weren't even sure of the name of where we were going, so once we'd seen the signs for the german and italian war graves, i gave TheTrainer1 a call. we were ahead of him, so we told him we'd meet him at the italian war graves memorial and then head on from there. TheMech and i looked around the memorial which is basically a mausoleum for all the italians killed in the battles at el alamein. we ran into two of the italians we work with inside the memorial and one even showed us his full namesake on one of the marble plaques. pretty weird. there are several alcoves filled with nameplates reading "ignoto", which is "unknown" in in italian. it was really weird to see the name repeated over and over, knowing that even though no one knows the name of the person behind that plaque, they were at least individually called out and marked. as we were finishing, TheTrainer1 called and said they were there... but they weren't, they were at the actual war museum a little ways back. we got directions from their driver and were soon sauntering up to the ticket booth for the el alamein war museum ($1 for non-egyptians, egyptians don't pay).

we began outside with all the large pieces they have. they have maybe 20-30 vehicles in various states of damage from all sides: british, german, italian, and american. there were tanks, personnel carriers, mobile guns, and mortar launchers. there was even a british spitfire jet they'd pulled out of the sea in 1999. the tail was missing, but the wings, cockpit, and engine were mostly intact, and the props were all bent from the impact with the water. i don't think we were allowed to be climbing on them, but security was lax, so i got a picture on a tank, and there's a good one of TheMech driving an old ford personnel carrier. inside, the museum is very much like what TheMom described the mosque she visited in cairo to be. lots of plastic toys and dioramas reenacting what might've happened in various battles and strongholds. the "period" clothing hung slovenly on the ancient and, at times, ghastly looking mannequins. there were spent bullets, fake grenades, model mortars and the like. one of the rooms had a pretty large table map with those plastic army men that boys had as young'ns (green for the axis and white for the allies), christmas lights embedded in it, and switches on the side. especially with the switches, it reminded me of those OLD electric football games. now that would've been badass. instead, the switches lit up different lights representing the six major fronts of WWII in north africa.

we found out that the war graves for the commonwealth (UK, new zealand, australia, etc.) was just down the road from the museum, maybe 200 yards, so we walked down to check it out. it's a really nice tribute to the men who died here. the lay out is quite somber and reflective with an altar in the middle of the grounds and a cross emblazoned with a sword at the front of the theater. the picture at the top of this post is a panoramic taken from just under said cross. i took some pictures of some headstone with various quotes from families and some of unknown soldiers, pilots, and sailors. you can find them in my photostream. i really liked the photo i took here. there is another in the photostream that has some sunbeams shining past the cross. it was a tough decision. as usual, you can click on the pix for bigger versions, and you can see the rest of the photos here. we went back to alex after that, had a few drinks at the portuguese club, then TheMech and i made our friday intoxicated KFC run.

here is a picture of me after standing in the desert wind all afternoon. i think i'm kinda digging the mad scientist look. what do you think? should i cut it or leave it be?

a new ZUMEL post

if you are bored, i put up a new post at my other scarcely updated blog, ZUMEL. in this latest post, i attempt to teach you, my faithful reader, whoever you are, how to speak arabic using ZUMEL as a go-between. i'm hoping whoever reads it has a mic and will send me an email reading my attempt at teaching.

heavy-metal heartbreak

this is coal chamber's, "untrue". i've been a fan for a long time but never listened to the words (also in the info bar if you go to youtube). that beginning starts out a bit strange, but give it a chance. i suppose i never really thought of heavy-metal rock boys getting jealous, what with all their groupies and the like. who knew?

encryption for the layman

i received a newsletter today from grand illusions. they are one of the places i get all my geek toys from, as well as thinkgeek. at the end of the newsletter, it had a "puzzle". i recognized the puzzle immediately as it is a real-life example of how public- and private-key encryption works (that stuff your web browser uses all the time so you aren't thieved of your credit card info). typically, the story involves Alice (A) trying to contact Bob (B) without Eve (Eavesdropper) finding out the message. this time they used john and mary and left eve to be understood as the general populous. the first answer is an example of private-key encryption, the second is public-key.

John and Mary have fallen in love, via the internet, and John wishes to send Mary a ring. Unfortunately they live in a country where anything sent through the mail will be stolen unless it is enclosed in a padlocked box.

John and Mary each have plenty of padlocks, but none to which the other has a key. How can John get the ring safely into Mary's hands?

_____________________________________

1. John puts the ring in a box, padlocks the box, and sends it in the post to Mary. Mary attaches a padlock of her own, so there are now 2 padlocks on the box, and sends the box back to John. John uses his key to remove the original padlock, and sends the box back to Mary. Mary uses her key, removes the remaining padlock, opens the box and retrieves the ring.

2. John sends Mary an empty box that has been locked with a padlock. Attached to the hasp of the padlock is a key. John then sends a second box to Mary; this box can be opened using the key that was attached to box 1. Inside box 2 is the ring.

see, computers aren't hard. i thought that was cool.

today was a good day

i mentioned in a post in december that i play a quick online game every morning gauging my "on"-ness. yesterday and today, i was BANG ON! i've been pretty nerdy lately, but i was, to steal from the cool snow-boarder guys, STOKED! i made it into the top 10, that is tough, and if it weren't for a few hasty decisions, i might've made the top 5. i had some good runs, starting both with 0.0 (perfect), a few 1.0s, it was good. i have a hard time with the circle in a triangle. so, that's my excitement for the day (and it's raining, so SWEET!). today (and yesterday) was a good day according to my gauge game. and, again, if you're interested, you can play the game here.

yesterday's score (click for full size)

today's score (click for full size)

poignant AIDS awareness ad (kinda NSFW)

do you really care?

it is commonplace for people to ask "how are you?" when seeing someone for the first time in the day. i don't quite like that. i mean, seriously, do you really care? at one time, many, many moons ago, it was probably used as it was supposed to, but now it's turned into a generic greeting that makes me feel uncomfortable. i prefer "what's up" or "what's going on?". with the former, you can deflect the inanity of the question with a smart-ass reply like "the price of oil", "NOT the market", or the old standby, "the sky". with the latter, you have far more topics to speak about: work, family, money, etc.

i speak of this because here in egypt, EVERYONE asks "how are you" (in arabic, of course), and they ask it EVERYTIME they see you. all of you who read this blog know that i'm not doing well. these people don't really care how i'm doing, it's just a common courtesy to ask, but it wears me down having to lie. i might not be thinking about the shitty things that are going on in my life, i might be truly distracted, but when they ask... it all comes flooding back, and i have to then lie. "i'm doing great", "meyya, meyya" (means 100%).

i'm kind of the happy-go-lucky guy at work. i don't raise my voice, i don't complain much, i curse on occasion if i knock my head on a scaffolding pole or something, but in general, everyone knows me to be in a good mood. with this whole shitty situation, i've had to start wearing masks. some days i might be in a piss poor mood, but someone will eventually come up to me, asking me how i am, and i have to throw on the smile, tell them everything's fine, what do they need. it's exhausting. when no one's looking, when no one's around, i can let the mask fade away, but that isn't very often at work. it's strictly an external facade, i still feel like shite inside. some days i'm at it so long, that i can't take it off even when i go home. i can't embrace my issues because i've been faking all day that everything is OK. they really don't want to hear about my shite. they wouldn't understand, and even if they did, they'd probably think less of me. i couldn't tell them the truth anyways; my throat closes when i even remotely think of having to explain what's going on in my heart and in my head. i want someone to talk to, someone strong enough to know that my flaws only compound this situation, and i'm pretty sure they are hard-wired flaws. there's no changing them no matter how much i want to.

TheElectrical advised that i see a therapist (as well as cutting down on drinking, pity smoking, and i should lose weight, but i digress). i suppose it might not be a BAD idea, but again, there are several genetic predispositions i have against that course of action.

1. i think i'm smarter than them - i minored in psychology in school, i took enough classes to have a decent idea what the fukk is wrong with me. granted, i didn't take the "how do you fix it" classes, but i have a general idea of what they would suggest, i suggest it to myself, my friends suggest it to me, but i'm just closed. it's not like i can't see the door, rather, my hand is on the knob, and i just can't turn it. i had a bad experience with a high school psychologist during a break up then. i'd pierced the bridge of my nose with a safety pin, left it in, and went to school. i was kicked out of just about every class, and the psychologist was called in. she said she knew i was an actor (yes, i joined thespians for my girlfriend at the time), that i might be able to put on a good show, but she felt i was like an orange... hard skin on the outside but juicy just underneath that skin. i'm not making this up. right then and there, i labeled her a joke as a professional, figured she was bottom of her class, and wrote her off. i wasn't impressed. i'm sure there HAS to be better therapists out there, but my first impression left a bad taste in my mouth


2. i broke me, so i can fix me - well, technically, I didn't break me, but i put myself into a position that allowed me to let down my guard to be broken. i've been witness to every little psycho synapse firing in my head, i've felt every heart pang for the most unrelated, benign reasons, it's all documented here in my head in my own proprietary format. there's no way i could explain it coherently to someone outside my head. they don't have the right codecs (i'm such a geek). i need time to analyze the data, but i've not had time to arrange it into an easy, user-friendly format. looking at the raw data, right now, it seems it isn't the product that is flawed (again this is preliminary), it's the process. i think i'm pretty damn good at relationships on the whole. everyone has their shortcomings and such, but in general, i think i have a pretty good handle on how things should go. the process is fukked in that, i just spend that time on the wrong people. i'm blinded by attention, by beauty, by learning about new things from new people, by the excitement of this amazing new person who wants to spend time with me. in doing so i might be missing telltale signs that we may not be compatible. i miss the hints, i miss the suggestions.


3. strangers vs. friends - this guy is a complete stranger. how am i going to open up to him, when i have a hard time opening up to my close friends? i was always the guy who listened to other peoples' problems, the shoulder to cry on. i didn't want to burden them with my problems because mine were so insignificant in comparison, so i tried my best to keep quiet. telling a stranger how crazy i am? come on. therapists are only human. they're trained to be non-judgemental, but we are animals. there will always be a judgment made, an impression formed, even if it's in the remotest hollow of the basal ganglia, i'll be judged. my friends know my good and bad already, they already know that and yet, they're still my friends. they accept my idiosyncracies, or at the very least, they aren't threatened by them. they aren't judging me, they already did that years ago, for free, they STILL stuck around, even if only to see what the fukk this guy is going to do next. these are people i love, i trust, and i still have a hard time letting them know exactly how messed up i am. a stranger who has to learn all my background plus current problems in several 60-minute sessions... i don't know if i'd trust their evaluation for lack of thoroughness.


4. i'm just too damn proud - there's not much more that can be added to that. i don't want to be fukked up, i don't want to admit that i can't deal with this on my own. i'm not into holistic medicine, i know my boundaries (i think). if i have cancer or a broken arm or a bullet wound... know i can't fix those, but my brain (unless i'm more fukked up that i though) is not injured. it may be chemically imbalanced or dehydrated, but it's not like something is there that shouldn't be. if there is no physical defect, i think i should be able to manage it myself. mind over matter (except in the case of the aforementioned bullets and such).

you know what i just realized? i'm a hypocrite. you didn't even ask me how i was doing, you mightn't even care, and yet i let you have it. i apologize. had i not ranted on about that in the first part of this post, this would be OK as it is my blog and you came here voluntarily. next time i'll give you warning.

i'm going to try to write more on ZUMEL(i put a short post up there today), really, and i'm going to really try to get some vacation pix and stories up for you soon. i give you my word, and that, my friend, is stronger than graphene. please someone corroborate that for me. hah. later kids.

you're the result of yourself

this is a poem by pablo neruda. throughout this ordeal, i've asked my friends to give me the tough love. i know i'm not doing things right, i know what the right and good thing to do is, but i just can't seem to do it. i want to FEEL better rather than BE better. i've been so steadfast in my apathy, that i've actually made some friends give up (not on me, but on the tough love), because i can't be convinced.

this poem is some more tough love. i wish i could live it.

You're the Result of Yourself
by Pablo Neruda

Don't blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything
Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.
Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself
And the worth of starting to correct your character.
The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.
Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.
Face it with courage and accept it.
Somehow, they are the result of your acts and
It shows that you'll always win.
Don't feel frustrated of your own failures, neither unload them to someone else.
Accept yourself now or you'll go on justifying yourself like a child.
Remember that any time is good to start
And that no time is so good to give up.
Don't forget that the cause of your present is your past,
As the cause of your future will be your present.
Learn from the brave, from the strong,
From who doesn't accept situations
From who will live in spite of everything.
Think less of your problems and more of your work.
Learn to arise from your pain,
And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.
Look at the mirror of yourself and you'll be free and strong
And you'll stop being a puppet of circumstances.
For you yourself are your destiny.
Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.
You're part of the strength of your life now,
Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you'll win in life.
Don't ever think of 'fate'
For fate is the excuse of failures.

it's exactly what i need to do... maybe after munich, the tough love will sink in a bit better. 2 more days

sore

man, i hurt. the site gave the mechanical crew a half-day yesterday, so TheMech and i went to his apartment building's pool on the 7th floor around 3PM. after more than enough vodka tonics, we were thoroughly hammered, he went to the restroom, and i decided to walk over to the railing to look at my building which you can see from the pool deck. wet feet + slick tile is not a good combination. JUST as i was thinking, "man, i hope i don't slip..." off i go, feet flying out from under me landing on my back. this was definitely a water accident not an intoxication accident. when TheMech came out of the bathroom, he found me on the floor trying to catch my breath. i got up no worse aside from a scraped up toe where apparently i'd kicked the wall on the way down. we decided it was time to go, so we went down to his place where his fiance cooked up some dinner, and i was home by around 7PM.

this morning when i got up EVERYTHING hurt. my hips are aching, my back is sore, i'm walking like a 60-year old. i was so glad to get another half-day today to recover. minimal libations will be imbibed today. gotta rest. i posted a short post on ZUMEL, some short, short, SHORT poems i've written lately. i'll post more if they are appropriate. yesterday at the pool, i was venting with TheMech, and i told jules this morning. she wasn't very happy, but i wanted a person in real life to talk to. until now, i've only talked to friends online about jules and my situation. so i don't want to piss anymore people off, so i'll have to look through the poems and see what i can post.

support

thanks to everyone for the support, advise, calling me a dumbass... i need it, keep it up. i'm hearing you, i'm just not sure i'm listening.

as much as i can't be motivated to do anything extraneous lately, i have an R&R coming up. jules and i pushed it out originally to the end of october. she thinks i need to get away, she needs some room too. my head hates the idea since she's been gone over a month already, but maybe i need to do something. i'll talk to the site lead about moving i up a bit, if possible. TheJay and his wife were thinking about going to ireland for the labor day weekend. it may be too late for me to try that, and i haven't heard confirmation of whether they're going or not. TheSwedishChefDave invited me to france for a bit, a good college friend invited me to ATL, but i can't go to the states right now, getting my federal income tax refund is more important than mental health right now. any other ideas? anyone wanting to meet me in europe or egypt in the next few weeks? come on, i know SOMEONE wants to. let me know.

i wish i could talk to you about this

but right now, i don't know what to say. i sound so emo. things are crumbling around me, and in the process, building me a fairly comfortable castle of rubble. a toe is stubbed on occasion, sore back from a few nights on the rocks, bleary eyes, dust and tears, and an indeterminate countdown exploding second-by-second in my brain.

does that help explain? yeah, i didn't think so, but if you need a soundtrack, grab pretty much any "blue october" CD. that's what's been on for me.