i'm being outsourced in japan

i'll let you in on a little secret. one of my signature moves in the bedroom... i'm cuddly. girls more often than not like to cuddle and i have it down to a science. i've molded my body to be a perfect cuddling machine. if nothing else, i'm huggable and jovial and a regular laugh-riot. girls say they like a good sense of humor. all this time i've invested in the sedentary past times, the all-you-can-eat buffets, double whoppers, massive quantities of high-calorie beer. all the effort i've put in to being the best cuddler i am, and the japanese go and outsource me.

what am i gonna do? it's too late in my love career to change direction now. i've been replaced by a pillow. and to think, i was gonna go to japan, grope some women on a faux-train, and then invite myself back to their place for cuddles, but now... now, they'll just be using me for a cheap thrill. no wham, no bam, no thank ya fat man. i hate those gosh darn japs.