a letter to the po po

below is a letter i wrote to the schenectady police department while i was in training there. i was dropping of my form to apply for my passport, and i suppose i was a little agitated at the situation, so when i had to pay my parking fine, i sent this along with the check. i found this while cleaning up my old PC hard drive that i've had to make portable and carried with me to india for nostaliga. man... some of the shite i've found on there, but it can be shared later.

Zachary Bonenberger
32 Mohawk Trail
Clifton Park NY 12065
zwb@po.cwru.edu

May 21, 2006
City of Schenectady
Parking Violations Bureau
Schenectady Police Department
531 Liberty Street
Schenectady NY 12305

Dear Sir or Madam:
Earlier this afternoon (January 29th), I ventured into Schenectady to go to the Schenectady Post Office to take care of some brief business. Being new to New York, I understand that rules will differ from place to place, which was first evidenced by the parking meter that took only quarters and tokens. Before one parks there, there are no notices/signs/billboards warning “Possible Inconvenience Ahead --- Park ONLY If You Have Quarters (or Tokens)”. For those of us lucky enough to have a shiny 25¢ piece in their pocket, the day can go on superbly. Still, for those of us, the huddled masses, burdened by dull nickels and tarnished dimes, possibly even ratty old dollars, a grim shadow falls on our shoulders. “Where can we peddle our measly dimes and half-dimes for these majestic bartering pieces?” we ask… but there is no answer, no map, not even a token-colored brick road to lead us to parking salvation.
I weighed the options. I could…

1. Track down a Token Fairy
2. Sell my body on the corner for Tokens (but that just seemed wrong)
3. Hurry inside and get business done before I feel the Wrath of the Meter Militia

So, I bounded up the stairs to the Post Office and waited in line, fear tearing through my bones. My business was done after 4 minutes (+/- 1 minute), and I dashed outside only to see Mr. MacGregor, Meter Militia’s most feared soldier, reaching over my car. In the vein of online ticket services, He summoned me to pay the 25¢ plus a $9.75 Transaction Convenience Fee . A moment passed, then he strode away. I whispered (in a surprisingly good Scottish accent)…

“To You, MacGregor, the Battle… to Me, the War.”

No, but seriously, what is one to do? Are there drive-thru token joints or something in Schenectady? Officer MacGregor informed me that I can get tokens at City Hall, but I’d have to park to get there (more than likely instigating the Meter Militia to swoop down upon me again). And I didn’t need a thousand, nay, a hundred, nay, not even a dozen tokens, I needed one. I could see no change machines in the area either (and they would’ve had to have been drive-thrus too). Well, I hope I’ve given you a laugh at least.


Forever & Gone.
Zachary Bonenberger