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02 February 2006


battle of the blogs over at is kicking my ass. i have a 1-4 record now. the last one was a shoe-in. i forget who i went against but it was a bunch of mediocre pictures. no witty repartee, no off-the-wall questions, no hyperbolas... how could i lose. well i did. that was the last straw. i don't know what to do better. apparently my blog sucks ass or is only funny to those select few i've e-mailed to read it. dammit, and i thought i was doing so good. so anyways, on to the things i thought made this blog stand out which might in turn be the major turn-off factor.

i was thinking about boogers this morning. what are boogers? i'm guessing they are the nasal equivalent of pearls. pearls get a bit of sand in them, the get irritated, they puke on it to soothe the irritation, and then divers pry them open to place said puke on strings that hang around the necks of prehistoric female aristocrats. i don't see anything along the same lines happening with boogers (thought they are in the nasal cavities of prehistoric female aristocrats). i think boogers are like the oyster vomit. i'm guessing we get some dust particle or some such thing in our nose and the snot builds up on it, then due to respiration, some of the moistness of the snot is carried away and you get a booger that ranges from slimy to semi-soft to crunchy. so kids, DON'T EAT BOOGERS!! they're just made of dust and 90% of dust is dead people skin. yummy!

onto the zoological realm. there is a house next to our hotel that i can see from my window. i noticed several weeks back that they had turkeys. then i noticed they had doves (or some other chubby white bird capable of flight). then i noticed they had rabbits. today i saw the rabbits hopping around the front yard of the hotel and it took me back to the days when we had pet rabbits. those things shite like mad, tons of little rabbit spheres under the cage (it was hanging on a fence). now my question is... why is rabbit shite spherical? i can't see holding a bunch of spheres in one's rectum to be an efficient use of space. therefore that rabbit would have the urge to pooh well before his rectum is completely full. let's assume for example that a rabbit pooh pellet is of radius unity, that yields a volume of 3.14 units (πr² = π*1²). if you placed this sphere in a cube (the most efficient shape to represent a finite element of a full rectum) of side length 2 equal to the diameter of the sphere, you get an volume of 8 units (LxWxH = 2x2x2). the rabbit pooh pellet it only about 40% as efficient as a rectum that has compressible pooh and no shape preference. such a waste of life on going to the bathroom 2.5 times more in ones life.

furthermore, what makes the shape so? is it an internal grinding motion such as if you take some very flour-y dough and roll it in your hands it crumbles to smaller more stable balls o' dough? i think it is more like a play dough toy inside that takes the excrement and extrudes it into a bowl thingy until is fills up like a sphere. or, more likely... the rabbits are on drugs like speed or something. ever see their noses twitchin' like mad. maybe their sphincter is doing the same. they wanna pooh normal, maybe it is compressed but when they go to do the deed, the brown eye keeps spasming this causing spheres. yeah i think that's it.

and with that, i believe i've reached close to rock-bottom. i think i've figured out why i keep losing my blog battles. i, uh... yeah, i know that was bad. i'll try better next time.


Anonymous mom 2 said...

zac...hated this blog...weak stomach!!!not your usual great humor...STOP THIS!!!!!didn't read most of this...yes rock bottom i you and miss 2

8:31 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger themom said...

you have definitely been in India tooooo long!!! you have gone over the proverbial "edge." XXXOOO

10:14 AM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous stephanie said...

u never cease to amaze me! although yes I agree, you HAVE been in India way too long...its possibly frying your brain! Take care!!

10:59 AM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous Jared said...

Packing ratio schmacking ratio -- me thinks the spherical shape is owed, at least somewhat, to the shape of the intestines being not a cube, but rather a cyliner with undulations. You know... intestine shaped. Now, say said fecal pellets pass through 500 or so of these undulations (1/cm x 5m), that's easily enough to both generate a consistent shape and the repetitively smooth surface of the pellets.

12:48 PM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous Christy said...

Although my popularity as a kid suffered drastically for it, many of my friends can attest the the fact that our family raised and yes, even butchered many rabbits over the years. If I had a dime for everyone who told me what a monster I was for eating rabbit paprikash after raising the cute little things for years, well, I tell you what, I'd have a lot more dimes than I do now. Anyway, having been "priveledged" enough to see the inside of many a rabbit I can tell you that the spherical shape happens before the intestines. When a dead rabbit's intestines are pulled out you can see a long chain of little spheres all in a row. I don't know why it happens, but I can shed light on that one little part. Go figure that this particular part of the blog has generated so many comments.

1:28 PM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous Jared said...

Or maybe it's that rabbits write on the walls of bathroom stalls in gas-station bathrooms. As the trucker-bard tells us:
"Those who write on bathroom stalls,
roll there shite in little balls,
Those that read those words of wit,
eat those little balls of...

1:38 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Silent said...

I like your blog and I think I may be able to help with your battle of the blogs problem.
People don’t take the time to actually read the posts, they quickly scan and vote so don’t take it personally.
One thing that may be hurting you is people with high resolution screens will be less apt to read your blog because the words are a little small.
I checked it on another monitor and it’s fine there but the resolution isn’t as high and it looks fine there.

Your background is completely unique and looks good but I don’t know if it’s practical.
The green text on black background in the mini-poll is very hard to read.
Your link list is blue on blue.

I like your blog, I’ve linked to it and am not an expert at anything not involving Russian literature and constitution law.
Hope you take the criticism as it’s meant.
Take care.

11:21 AM, February 03, 2006  
Anonymous Ellen said...


about the rabbit poo. my friend once told me about a girl he knew who had 2 poo-holes. I know spina bifida can cause something similar at the base of the spine, but the second whole is not an actual working pucker hole, more like a cosmetic abberation. When I asked him if both holes, you know, worked, he snottily and sarcastically replied, "No, play-dough comes out of the second hole, and then she puts the spaghetti adapter on it!"

that happened at my 16th birthday party.

sphere adapter, spaghetti adapter, play-dough. it just brought back so many memories for me.

10:55 PM, February 04, 2006  

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