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23 May 2009

biblical observations III : samson was CRAZY pussy-whipped (and possibly severely mentally retarded)

i'm back into reading the bible since i'm out of books. i'm just about to finish JUDGES when i come across samson. i didn't realize that samson was actually a king of israel. well, that might not be technically correct but i'm not exactly sure what he was judging since israel was being oppressed but all the neighbors at this time (and that is another observation post). so i'll call him a king, of sorts, a leader, and he did that for 20 years.

the story starts that his mother was barren, but an angel came to her and said she would conceive, but the boy had to be raised a nazirite (that just looks so much like nazi to me, but that's not a funny joke since we are dealing with the jewish people here). nazarites weren't allowed to cut their hair, they weren't allowed to drink alcohol, and they were supposed to avoid the dead and places of the dead. in short, he was a strong mother fucker. he's the equivalent of hercules from greek mythology.

STORY #1 that proves he's a crazy badass, completely fukking pussy-whipped, and soft in the head (note: all quotes are paraphrased):

one day, he's walking through the woods on his way to hit on this philistine chick he was diggin' on when a lion comes up to him. the force was strong in this one, so he tore the lion a new one bare-handed without even breaking a sweat. apparently he did the biblical equivalent of getting her digits AND getting her to accept his marriage proposal in not time and went home. a while later, he was walking back to pick up his wife, when he walked past the lion he had disemboweled and found a bee hive growing in the thing, so he grabbed some honey and went to his wife. when he got to her town, there were 30 dudes hanging out waiting for the 7 day wedding feast to start and end. samson posited to them a riddle to solve in 7 days. if they got it right, he'd give them 30 new linens and 30 changes of clothes; if they didn't, they had to give HIM 30 linens and changes of clothes. the riddle was:
out of the eater came something eat
out of the strong came something sweet
since you know the backstory, you might be able to guess the answer.

well, the mob pulls his wife aside and threatens to burn down her house like in a WWE studios / john cena movie if she doesn't get the answer for him, so true to a typical wife (i can say this because i'm not married, hah), she nagged the ever-lovin' shit out of him for the answer even though his mom and dad don't even know. on day seven, she tells the mob "nothing sweeter than honey, nothing stronger than a lion", they regurgitate it back to him, and he goes postal. he knows the got the answer from his trollop wife, so true to his word, he retaliated by giving them their 30 linens and changes of clothes... by killing 30 of their bestest buds and giving the mob THEIR clothes, then he stomped back to his house.

it gets worse. after a while, maybe a few weeks or months, he goes down to her dad's house and tells him "i'll show her, i'm gonna lay some pipe on my wife ans show her she screwed up". her dad's kinda like "um... we're sorry, but we didn't think you lied her so we decided to give her to your best man. wouldn't you like her younger sister better?" BURN!!! re-retaliation. if samson wasn't rip-shit pissed already, when he found out he wasn't getting any tail, that was it. he went out and captured 300 foxes, tied their tails together with a torch in the knot, and set them free in the philistine fields (if anyone's counting, this is retaliation 3, R3). when the philistines found out samson had done this, they (you guessed it) retaliated (R4) by burning down his wife and father-in-law's house. samson said "ok, mofo's, i'm getting tired of this back and forth, so i'm just going to get even ONE MORE TIME, then i'm done... we're even... OK?", then he whopped some major philistine ass (R5).

that wasn't good enough for the philistines, so they came to arrest him and take him back for judgment. he said, if you promise not to kill me until we get there, i'll let you tie me up. they promised, they tied, they went to philistine central. when he got there, everyone started yelling at him, and he got all pissed off hulk-style, so he grabbed the jawbone of a donkey and smote the shit out of 1000 philistines. afterward, he yelled into the sky, "this... is... JAWBOOOOOOOONE (heights)!", and "judged" for 20 years.

the FAMOUS story that proves he's a crazy badass, completely fukking pussy-whipped, and soft in the head (note: all quotes are paraphrased):

so toward the end of his 20 years judging, he took a vacation to gaza and banged a lady of the night. while he was there, the gazites decided they'd kill him in the morning when the sun came up. instead, at midnight, to show the gazites he was still "israel's strongest man", he ripped the gate of the city (along with the posts) out of the ground and took them up on a hill. i'm not exactly sure how this made them not kill him, except that maybe they were all still washing the shit out of their pants the next morning.

then samson met delilah. this is like the biblical version of forrest gump. samson is forrest: this soft-headed, i-love-the-first-girl-i-meet kinda guy, and delilah is like jenny: she's all "well, you're nice, but you're kind of a dope, i mean, i'll kiss ya, but i got other things to do", so the locals lords offered her some mad amounts of silver to find out his weakness. she's all about movin' on up to the east-side, so she takes the deal and starts pillow-talking samson. here's where we confirm both massive pussy-whippedness and never-before-seen brain damage.
DELILAH: so what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: 7 fresh bowstrings, not yet dried, and i'm bruce banner.
(delilah ties him up in 7 wet bowstrings that night, the philistines wait in his room)
(samson tears through the bowstrings like thread, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: baby (maybe a bewb pops out), so REALLY, what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: new rope that has never been used, and i'm like superman and green kryptonite.
(delilah ties him up with brand new rope that night, the philistines wait in his room)
(samson tears through the rope like it was smoke, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (while putting on some BANGIN' frederick's of hollywood lingerie) samson, why do you mock me, i'm JUST curious, what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: new rope that has never been used, and shorty, i'm like superman around green kryptonite.
(delilah ties him up with brand new rope that night, the philistines wait in his room)
(samson tears through the rope like it was smoke, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (grabbin' his circumsized johnson), you're starting to PISS ME OFF! i'm just worried about you. baby...what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: if you weave my seven dreadlocks into the loom, i'm like rainbow brite on xanax.
(delilah weaves his frickin' HEAD in to a LOOM, and he doesn't wake up; btw, not drunk, can't drink alcohol... anyways, the philistines are still chillin' in his room)
(samson gets up turning the loom into a pile of matchsticks... WTF happened, babe?, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (promising something like BJs everyday for life) samson, this is the best deal your going to get. just tell me your weakness, and i'll get right on my knees... big daddy, what IS your weakness?
(delilah "lulls him to sleep on her knees"... it actually says that in the bible, then brings in the town barber and give him the first bowl-cut in the old testament, the philistines wait in his room)
(well he wakes up a bit woozy, as close to a hangover as possible without drinking, and the philistines make their move. they whomped on him pretty good, poked out his eyes and made him the prison wheat grinder)

he didn't see THAT coming, come on! it's like every joke ever told. three guys walk into a bar, or a guy tried something three times... moron, still, he gets them in the end. they are all so drunk on the fact that they caught this one guy who bitch-slapped an entire battalion of them with the remains of a carcass, that they order a party with ALL the philistine lords and lordettes (about 3000 of them) to watch him do some pratfalls and slapstick for them. he does a little song-and-dance then asks for someone to help him to the central pillars to catch his breath. he pulled a popeye and opened a can of god-spinach, "bringing down the roof" by knocking over the main structural pillars, thus killing all of the philistines along with himself.

rock on, samson, you idiot!

for the actual text, you can go here. it's funny, i was trying to give the cliff's notes, but ended up making it longer. the original passages is only 19 verses). hope you like the re-enactment. i apologize that delilah was such a hussy, but that's the way it was (in my head).

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Blogger swedish chef dave said...

that was the best biblical story i have ever heard, you should be a childrens story teller on TV, man that was excessively entertaining, victor mature did the best samson movie of all time and he never once got a blow-job, he was even softer in the head, but i liked your interpretation of the bible, you did say once before that it was full of perversion and murder, a bit like the catholic church in Ireland. this site here is total anarchay, everything is broken and nothing works and the software is shite, but the weather has turned nice and sunny and the wine and food is OK, but i am leaving sometime early july so i can get ready for going to egypt, Jenny has booked everything and if your still in cairo when i get there we will have to meet up for a beer, we spend a few days in cairo at the beginneing and at the end of the trip, so seeya soon cowboy

dave in the navarra wine region

1:07 PM, May 23, 2009  
Blogger themom said...

Wow, you did that so well. SCD was right, Victor Mature was the best Samson (well before your time), and it was in B&W too. Can't wait for the next chapter.


word verification: pookpert

WTF is that??

2:08 PM, May 23, 2009  

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