a roundabout story

here you find another "cowbirds in love" comic, though i don't find this one extremely funny. the reason i post it is the story that goes with it from the author. click on the picture to go to the page and read his story the frame.

when i read that story i had a bit of a flashback, and found i was laughing at myself. when TheMom had her first heart attack, us kids were kinda stuck fending for ourselves a bit. granted i was either a sophomore or junior in high school, there were some things we just didn't do... like grocery shopping. i can still picture it vividly, going to the kroger's with TheYoungerSister and TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime). we grabbed the buggy and split up going around the store getting what was on our little piece of the list. my job was to get lunchmeat for the house. i never paid attention to when TheMom bought lunchmeat, but i figured i was smart enough, i could figure it out. i took a number and waited in line, and soon it was my time to order. i told the lady i would like some bologna. she asked "which kind" to which i just pointed to one, and then "how much?"... **crickets** for some reason, i didn't think about how much, and i couldn't recall how much TheMom got at one time, so after a panicked few seconds, i said "5 pounds, please". the lady looked at my a bit strangely, and asked if i was sure. i told her "yes, it's for the week," and she went to it. i was kinda not really paying attention as she cut it, until TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) rounded the corner, eyes wide, seeing the massive tower of bologna that the lady was stacking up on the counter. it was maybe 12" tall (though, if you can't tell, i wasn't the greatest at scale back then). TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) ran down the aisle, chuckling the whole way trying to get the lady's attention to tell her that was enough meat. i may have imagined it, but i think TheGirlfriend(AtTheTime) and the lunchmeat lady's eyes met, and together they silently thought... "DUMB BOYS!"

biblical observations III : samson was CRAZY pussy-whipped (and possibly severely mentally retarded)

i'm back into reading the bible since i'm out of books. i'm just about to finish JUDGES when i come across samson. i didn't realize that samson was actually a king of israel. well, that might not be technically correct but i'm not exactly sure what he was judging since israel was being oppressed but all the neighbors at this time (and that is another observation post). so i'll call him a king, of sorts, a leader, and he did that for 20 years.

the story starts that his mother was barren, but an angel came to her and said she would conceive, but the boy had to be raised a nazirite (that just looks so much like nazi to me, but that's not a funny joke since we are dealing with the jewish people here). nazarites weren't allowed to cut their hair, they weren't allowed to drink alcohol, and they were supposed to avoid the dead and places of the dead. in short, he was a strong mother fucker. he's the equivalent of hercules from greek mythology.

STORY #1 that proves he's a crazy badass, completely fukking pussy-whipped, and soft in the head (note: all quotes are paraphrased):

one day, he's walking through the woods on his way to hit on this philistine chick he was diggin' on when a lion comes up to him. the force was strong in this one, so he tore the lion a new one bare-handed without even breaking a sweat. apparently he did the biblical equivalent of getting her digits AND getting her to accept his marriage proposal in not time and went home. a while later, he was walking back to pick up his wife, when he walked past the lion he had disemboweled and found a bee hive growing in the thing, so he grabbed some honey and went to his wife. when he got to her town, there were 30 dudes hanging out waiting for the 7 day wedding feast to start and end. samson posited to them a riddle to solve in 7 days. if they got it right, he'd give them 30 new linens and 30 changes of clothes; if they didn't, they had to give HIM 30 linens and changes of clothes. the riddle was:

out of the eater came something eat
out of the strong came something sweet.

since you know the backstory, you might be able to guess the answer.

well, the mob pulls his wife aside and threatens to burn down her house like in a WWE studios / john cena movie if she doesn't get the answer for him, so true to a typical wife (i can say this because i'm not married, hah), she nagged the ever-lovin' shit out of him for the answer even though his mom and dad don't even know. on day seven, she tells the mob "nothing sweeter than honey, nothing stronger than a lion", they regurgitate it back to him, and he goes postal. he knows the got the answer from his trollop wife, so true to his word, he retaliated by giving them their 30 linens and changes of clothes... by killing 30 of their bestest buds and giving the mob THEIR clothes, then he stomped back to his house.

it gets worse. after a while, maybe a few weeks or months, he goes down to her dad's house and tells him "i'll show her, i'm gonna lay some pipe on my wife ans show her she screwed up". her dad's kinda like "um... we're sorry, but we didn't think you lied her so we decided to give her to your best man. wouldn't you like her younger sister better?" BURN!!! re-retaliation. if samson wasn't rip-shit pissed already, when he found out he wasn't getting any tail, that was it. he went out and captured 300 foxes, tied their tails together with a torch in the knot, and set them free in the philistine fields (if anyone's counting, this is retaliation 3, R3). when the philistines found out samson had done this, they (you guessed it) retaliated (R4) by burning down his wife and father-in-law's house. samson said "ok, mofo's, i'm getting tired of this back and forth, so i'm just going to get even ONE MORE TIME, then i'm done... we're even... OK?", then he whopped some major philistine ass (R5).

that wasn't good enough for the philistines, so they came to arrest him and take him back for judgment. he said, if you promise not to kill me until we get there, i'll let you tie me up. they promised, they tied, they went to philistine central. when he got there, everyone started yelling at him, and he got all pissed off hulk-style, so he grabbed the jawbone of a donkey and smote the shit out of 1000 philistines. afterward, he yelled into the sky, "this... is... JAWBOOOOOOOONE (heights)!", and "judged" for 20 years.

the FAMOUS story that proves he's a crazy badass, completely fukking pussy-whipped, and soft in the head (note: all quotes are paraphrased):

so toward the end of his 20 years judging, he took a vacation to gaza and banged a lady of the night. while he was there, the gazites decided they'd kill him in the morning when the sun came up. instead, at midnight, to show the gazites he was still "israel's strongest man", he ripped the gate of the city (along with the posts) out of the ground and took them up on a hill. i'm not exactly sure how this made them not kill him, except that maybe they were all still washing the shit out of their pants the next morning.

then samson met delilah. this is like the biblical version of forrest gump. samson is forrest: this soft-headed, i-love-the-first-girl-i-meet kinda guy, and delilah is like jenny: she's all "well, you're nice, but you're kind of a dope, i mean, i'll kiss ya, but i got other things to do", so the locals lords offered her some mad amounts of silver to find out his weakness. she's all about movin' on up to the east-side, so she takes the deal and starts pillow-talking samson. here's where we confirm both massive pussy-whippedness and never-before-seen brain damage.

DELILAH: so what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: 7 fresh bowstrings, not yet dried, and i'm bruce banner.
(delilah ties him up in 7 wet bowstrings that night, the philistines wait in his room)
DELILAH:SAMSON, THE PHILISTINES ARE HERE!!!
(samson tears through the bowstrings like thread, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: baby (maybe a bewb pops out), so REALLY, what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: new rope that has never been used, and i'm like superman and green kryptonite.
(delilah ties him up with brand new rope that night, the philistines wait in his room)
DELILAH:SAMSON, THE PHILISTINES ARE HERE!!!
(samson tears through the rope like it was smoke, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (while putting on some BANGIN' frederick's of hollywood lingerie) samson, why do you mock me, i'm JUST curious, what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: new rope that has never been used, and shorty, i'm like superman around green kryptonite.
(delilah ties him up with brand new rope that night, the philistines wait in his room)
DELILAH:SAMSON, THE PHILISTINES ARE HERE!!!
(samson tears through the rope like it was smoke, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (grabbin' his circumsized johnson), you're starting to PISS ME OFF! i'm just worried about you. baby...what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: if you weave my seven dreadlocks into the loom, i'm like rainbow brite on xanax.
(delilah weaves his frickin' HEAD in to a LOOM, and he doesn't wake up; btw, not drunk, can't drink alcohol... anyways, the philistines are still chillin' in his room)
DELILAH:SAMSON, THE PHILISTINES ARE HERE!!!
(samson gets up turning the loom into a pile of matchsticks... WTF happened, babe?, no philistine attack)
DELILAH: (promising something like BJs everyday for life) samson, this is the best deal your going to get. just tell me your weakness, and i'll get right on my knees... big daddy, what IS your weakness?
SAMSON: (tired of her bitching) GOOD GOD WOMAN (SORRY BIG GUY!) WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM? I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU ARE ALL UP IN MY BIZZLE, AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY! MY HAIR, IT'S MY HAIR. YOU CUT MY HAIR, AND THAT SCREECH KID FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL" COULD HAND MY OWN ASS TO ME, OKAY?! so there, now... get to it, sugarlips.
(delilah "lulls him to sleep on her knees"... it actually says that in the bible, then brings in the town barber and give him the first bowl-cut in the old testament, the philistines wait in his room)
DELILAH:SAMSON, THE PHILISTINES ARE HERE!!!
(well he wakes up a bit woozy, as close to a hangover as possible without drinking, and the philistines make their move. they whomped on him pretty good, poked out his eyes and made him the prison wheat grinder)

he didn't see THAT coming, come on! it's like every joke ever told. three guys walk into a bar, or a guy tried something three times... moron, still, he gets them in the end. they are all so drunk on the fact that they caught this one guy who bitch-slapped an entire battalion of them with the remains of a carcass, that they order a party with ALL the philistine lords and lordettes (about 3000 of them) to watch him do some pratfalls and slapstick for them. he does a little song-and-dance then asks for someone to help him to the central pillars to catch his breath. he pulled a popeye and opened a can of god-spinach, "bringing down the roof" by knocking over the main structural pillars, thus killing all of the philistines along with himself.

rock on, samson, you idiot!

for the actual text, you can go here. it's funny, i was trying to give the cliff's notes, but ended up making it longer. the original passages is only 19 verses). hope you like the re-enactment. i apologize that delilah was such a hussy, but that's the way it was (in my head).

a post of schizophrenic proportions a.k.a. the boredom of waiting

we came in to work today as we are pavlovianly trained to. alarm goes off, hit snooze a few times, roll out of bed, brush teeth, get dressed, and wander down to the car in a typical zombie-state. we knew there was nothing for us to do at work today. as mechs, we are waiting for the controls and electrical people to catch up. we came in on time because we thought there'd be a meeting about when we are going to start up the second unit. there wasn't, so here i sit with exactly fukk-all to do. so, i'll catch you up on some random, unimportant things that have been on my mind. alone they would not be worth a post, but together they will join forces to flesh out something possibly worthy to fill the screen.

• last week, TheMech drove us to work. when he'd gotten to the car, our driver was complaining of a migraine, though due to his flashy duds, we guessed he was at the disco all night and was just in no shape to drive. TheMech is always calling our driver out for driving too fast or overtaking when he shouldn't. i'm not as concerned, but i do agree, there is room for improvement. TheMech has taken defensive driving courses in the UK and is a good driver. about 30 minutes from site, there is a stretch of road where they hide a speed camera on occasion. TheMech knew about this, but thought the speed limit was 100 km/h when it's actually 90 km/h. maybe a kilometer after the speed trap, we pull off onto another road that goes towards the site. here, there is a police stop where they stop you if you were speeding. we got stopped. neil pulled over and gave the army guy his british license and his qatari driver's license. after some confusion, TheMech got out to talk to them (usually speaking english gets us off at checkpoints). i'm guessing the army guy didn't understand english or something because that got us nowhere. TheDriver got out and started arguing with the guy, arabic pomposity ensued, then TheDriver came back asking for 150 pounds ($30) for the fine). TheDriver went back over to the army guy and talked some more, then came back and said it was ok. the army guy didn't know how to send the ticket (for points) to the UK, so he let us off, and that was that.


• why do toilets take so long to fill up? inside is the inlet valve controlled by the float. why can't there be like a mad in-rush until the float stops it? i was just thinking about this the other day, not sure why. the site toilet was probably running and i wanted it to stop


• thursday night, TheMech, TheSiteLead, TheFemaleElectrical and i went out to dinner at a chinese restaurant at the top of the sofitel hotel on the corniche. i ordered spicy beef salad EXTRA SPICY. i specifically said, "i want you to make me cry!". i ended up eating my words, or rather, i would've if any cells in my mouth could function as they were supposed to. good GOD, they made it hot. what's even worse is TheMech said he wanted his soup the same way. mid-swallow, i said something that he apparently found damn funny, because he choked and got the crazy hot magma in his nose. he was tearing like mad. we couldn't finish our meals. stupid boys! i asked TheFemaleElectrical to see her phone, i wanted to text her manager. she didn't think i'd go through with it. i texted her manager, as her, "i'm really tired of this field engineering life. i'm not cut out for it. i think i'd like to work at KFC or mcdonald's. can we talk about this sometime?"... then to her disbelief, i hit "send". she then texted him to apologize for her stupid colleagues playing a prank. after dinner we tried to get into a few clubs and were turned away because we didn't have reservations. one, called "montreal", was ALMOST going to let us in, but some nerd-looking dude who was apparently the manager or something looked out the door, and we didn't make the cut. the bouncer was fukking HUGE, complete steroid junkie with a painted on shirt. TheMech says he has "sugar muscles". when it was clear we weren't going to get in and with a bit of the liquid courage kicking in, i told sugar muscles that he was very pretty and i loved him very much in arabic. he didn't kill me, but i don't think he liked it. stupid boys! after getting turned down, we went back to the hotel bar to figure out what to do next. a round of tequilas was ordered to induce creativity. TheFemaleElectrical doesn't drink, so i had hers as well... then we had a second round. we decided on going to the cabaret i went to several weeks ago until 4:30AM on a work night. TheMech was going to call it a night, but i peer pressured him with typical machismo insults (pussy, old man, punk) until he caved. TheSiteLead got a call and dashed off, so it was the three of us on our way. we were meeting some other guys from site there. and that's the next story


• at the cabaret, we met three guys from site, two of whom i'd gone with before. they were throwing back drinks, the cabaret was really smoky, food was ordered, TheMech and i got beers while TheFemaleElectrical got a pop. after a few drinks and the tequilas coursing through our veins, we ended up dancing with the girls. i REALLY shouldn't dance, especially to egyptian music. it was ugly. and for your amusement, i've posted the video that TheFemaleElectrical took of our inebriated arses dancing like fools. i'm not sure why she turned the camera sideways half way through. stupid girls!

that's enough embarrassment for now.

blood runs red on the highway

the past few days have been weird. two stories i have that i didn't see happen directly, but saw the result of one. neither of them are very happy stories.

<story 1> (i heard this second hand from an italian who's english isn't perfect so there may be some inconsistencies): our labor contractor is led by an office of italians. TheHeadItalian was leaving site to go to cairo for a meeting when a commotion happened at the tollgate just down the road. i don't know the exact details of the commotion other than it involved armed police, possibly armed and drug-possessing bedouins, and TheHeadItalian's car. from what i could gather, there were two trucks of bedouins that came out of the desert and tried to cross the tollgate without papers. the police were coincidentally at the toll gate, i'm not sure if they were tracking them, and they kind of came together at the same time as TheHeadItalian was going through the tolls. the police pulled guns and tried to stop the bedouins, the bedouins were kind of pinned in between the tool booths, so the backed into TheHeadItalian's car, trying to escape. the police couldn't fire because TheHeadItalian was in the crossfire. since the bedouins couldn't get past, they ended up surrendering. it is rumored the police DID find drugs and automatic weapons with the bedouins. craziness! all right outside my plant.</story 1>

<story 2>this one isn't very happy either. we left this morning from the apartment at our usual time of 6:00AM. the drive is usually just about an hour going 100+ mph most of the way. i pop in my headphones and doze most of the trip, it's easier on the heart. today, we had fog. we've had a bit of fog for the past week or two, but today, it was THICK!!! i'm talking MAYBE six feet visibility. definitely not 100 mph weather. so we got on the highway, same ol', same ol', and made it about 30-40 minutes into our drive when the fog got thicker still, and we saw 6-7 people waving frantically for us to stop. we slowed down and saw that our colleagues' car had already stopped, so we pulled to the shoulder. the same 7 or so people were stopping all the cars behind us. we stepped out into the chill foggy morning to see what was going on. if anyone has seen "the mist" recently... it was like that. you didn't dare step too far from anyone else or you might lose sight of them totally.

our egyptian drivers translated to us that there was a very bad wreck up ahead in the fog. we were tempted to walk ahead, but were advised against it. we waited for a while, maybe 20 or 30 minutes, then word came we could go ahead. i figured it couldn't be that bad of an accident if that's all it took. we got into the cars and pulled away into the still peasoup-thick fog. we only made it maybe 100 yards before we were stopped again, and now we could see one of the vehicles. straddling the left lane of the highway (3 lanes in each direction) was a delivery truck, the entire front end smashed in, but again, that was all we could see. we got out and talked and contemplated looking ahead as loads of egyptians were walking ahead to see the damage. we wanted to rubberneck as well but we were advised against it by our onsite safety guy who was traveling along the same road at the same time as we were. some semi's and micro-buses tried to weave their way through but were stopped once they reached the wreckage. there were semi's, pickup trucks, and delivery vans scattered across all lanes of the highway ahead.

the safety guy was trying to arrange for a micro bus to pick us up on the other side of the highway and take us back to ma'adi, while TheSiteLead took a walk ahead on the shoulder to scope out the situation. upon his return, he'd decided that since we had 4WD SUVs, we would drive them 10 yards towards the center shoulder where the sand was firm, and we could drive around the carnage, and carnage it was. we got in the vehicles and made our way around the wreck. due to the thick fog and having to help direct our driver on how to drive in sand, i wasn't able to get a great look at the wreck, but what i did see wasn't pretty. one semi carrying gravel turned over onto a bus, one semi carrying bricks jack-knifed with the cab smashed in, several pickups battered to hell and back, another cargo semi on it's side blocking the entire road, and i saw several bodies covered in sheets. we got about 50 yards along the wreck when we came to a semi that had plowed into the center median so we had to cut back toward the road between that truck and another wrecked one in the left lane. once, we got around that, we were on our way, open highway all the way to work. we heard before we left that there were as many as 20 dead in the accident. it was awful in the fog alone, now that the fog has burnt off, i'm sure the site is even more gruesome. i didn't have my camera, so these pictures are from TheElectrical's camera phone. these are typical of the fog we encountered, and the last one is by far, the vehicle in the best shape of any of them.</story 2>

i'm going to hurghada for the arabic weekend (thursday/friday), it's on the red sea. we got hooked up with an excellent all-inclusive resort for $125/night. heading out at lunch. i need something nice to take my mind off this morning.

UPDATE: 25 people died according to the local paper.

SO NOT FUKKING FUNNY!!!

ok, this turning 30 things sucks. i'm never sick, then i got what, i assume, was a cold (cough, sore throat) just before coming to egypt, and yesterday i had to call off work for what, i'm guessing, was the flu (chills, fever, body aches). so flashback 2 days ago, tuesday, work is work... slow, and i'm starting to get strange chills, i think i might have a fever, but can't tell for sure. on the way home, i'm still chilled and feverish, so i pass on eating dinner at TheMech's place, cooked by his new housekeeper. instead, i go to the hotel, shower, put on my new steeler jammies (long sleeve shirt and long pants), and order dinner. i tried to eat some spaghetti but wasn't very hungry, so i crawled into bed at 8:15PM. i had the heater turned up and was buried under the blankets to try to sweat it out. well, tuesday night sucked. i tossed and turned and SWEATED MY ASS off. when my alarm rang wednesday morning, i knew the unthinkable was going to have to happen. i was going to have to call in sick. in 7 years with TheGeneral, i've only taken 1/2 a sick day in india. wednesday, the total went up to 1.5 sick days with my company. i called TheSiteLead, told him the situation, and he was cool with it. then i crawled under the blankets to sweat it out some more. i slept for another 15 hours or so until TheSiteLead called at 5:00PM to see if i was alive. i decided to pour myself out of bed and try to eat. i cleaned up a bit and tried to eat some lasagna at the italian restaurant downstairs. i only had a few bites of that and a bowl of minestrone. i went back upstairs, watched a bit of TV, read one of my books, and was back in bed at 10PM. i woke up this morning feeling good. i think i sweated out the fever, my stomach is at 80%, and i'm doing pretty well.

oh, but hell, i got away from the title of the post, and THAT is the important thing. tuesday, while i was still feeling sick, i saw TheSecretary in the hallway, and she beckoned me to come to her. i like being beckoned, so i obliged.

TheSecretary: sir, you have to go...
ME: huh?
TS: yes sir, you have to go...
ME: what do you mean?
TS: (makes a jabbing motion at her wrist)
ME: ??? wtf?
TS: sir, your test... you are positive, you have to go
ME: (shites my pants) you're joking, right?
TS: no sir, no joke, you have to go

i was already feeling ill, and that certainly didn't help. i was a zombie the rest of the day. granted, she was saying all this with a slight smirk, but she insisted she was not joking, she'd heard from the other assistant who had gone to cairo to get my results. if by some stretch of some crazy imagination it turned out i was HIV+, the assistant who went to cairo was going to get his face punched to a meaty pulp for sharing that news to people who didn't need to know (it wouldn't have been too much more trouble since rumor has it, if i'd've come back positive, the ARMY comes and escorts me to my hotel to get my stuff, and takes me directly to the airport to get me out of country. civil rights, my ass). i was petrified, completely useless. i knew she was joking, she had to be, but she wouldn't let it go, avoiding me like the plague, no pun intended. i was pissed, part of me was scared, and i was sick... BITCH!!! just before i left work that day, the assistant came in and told me i was negative. i asked for a copy of the test for my own records. that circled word (i looked it up) IS arabic for "negative".

you better BELIZE it!!!, part II

good lord, i'm so sorry it took so long for the last part of the trip... snorkeling. it's been almost 2 months to the day since the first belize post, man time flies. i hope it didn't build up the suspense too much. so here we go (btw, all pix are clickable for larger views).

well, TheJay and TheRachel and i got back to the hotel for me to rent some snorkeling gear. that went well enough, the weather had cleared up considerably from the morning, and they decided i should practice at the end of the pier first, where i could stand just in case. they have their own snorkeling gear because they are fancy. so i put on my mask, learned how to check to see if it's sealed correctly, put on mt flippers, popped the snorkel into my mouth, and awkwardly waddled down the steps into the caribbean sea. it is a strange feeling to be able to breathe underwater. occasionally, i would bob a bit too deep and would get an unwelcome snorkel-full of seawater, but, on the whole, i did pretty well. the water was murky from the morning rains, but i continued practicing for a bit, then we waited for our boat to pick us up at the end of the pier.

i'll say this now, to get the plug out of the way... if you ever go to san pedro, belize, stay at the xanadu island resort, and book your snorkeling through them on the boat, lil' alfonse. also, if possible, see if victor can do your tour. amazing. anyways, the lil' alfonse pulled up with alfonse and victor. alfonse had on a polo shirt i believe, a white ball cap, i had a good feeling about him. victor, on the other hand, scared me a bit. he was shirtless (which in this biz, is okay), had a big gold earring, and a LARGE homemade tattoo across his chest of a girl's name. i think he had a scare too, but i can't be sure now. we hopped down the coast a bit to pick up another couple at another resort, and alfonse got off at the same time. now, i was a little uneasy with victor, as i've traveled enough to know when to be cautious, but i also know that looks can be horrible deceiving. victor made a couple jokes, some small talk, and soon enough, i was comfortable that this guy was OK (turns out the huge tattoo is his daughter's name). the couple with us spoke a foreign language that i thought i recognized, so i asked if they were from russia. i forget if he was, but i recall she was from kazakhstan. i've worked in kazakhstan for a brief time, so that opened up a whole 1 or 2 minute conversation. about 10 minutes later we arrived at hol chan marine reserve.

there are multiple buoys that all the tour boats can tie up to, the hol chan admissions guy drives his boat over to each and collects the tickets from the passengers. victor taught us no to have "lazy lips", that is, we have to make a pouty face with out lips to make a tight seal and keep the saltwater out. after that, the fun begins. it seems lil' alfonse is one of the few, if not the only, boat that chums the water. he threw fish-heads and various other seafood parts into the water, and almost immediately the fish swarmed. i think they were grouper or flounder, i can't recall (again, i'm sorry i took so long to write this). the nurse sharks came along with the fish, apparently lured by the sounds of engines, these animals have been pavlovianly conditioned to know that engines mean food and people. after some trepidation by everyone except victor (we were told the nurse sharks are harmless, nevertheless, they were big), we all jumped into the waist deep water to start our tour. we swam around the boat at first getting used to the clear water and marine life EVERYWHERE around us. i need to mention that these fish had the best vision in the world. i figured maybe they moved toward the sound of the chum hitting the water, but these fish were speedily on the move as soon as the chum left victor's hand. sometimes, victor would play with us by tossing the chum just in front of us, so if we were underwater and looked in front of us, we saw a stampede of fish heading directly for us to get their food. after acclimating to the environment, victor grabbed his equipment, jumped in, and started the tour.

i have to say, victor is an amazing tour guide. he was really informative about the types of sealife we were seeing. he'd point at a few things underwater, and occasionally, even freedive down to point out the smaller things at the bottom, then he'd pop up and describe everything he'd pointed to. i think the tour was supposed to last 2 hours, and i wasn't sure i was up for swimming in the deep for that long, but i was going to give it my best. well, i did, and it wasn't too bad. i hadn't exercised for 2 hours in a LONG time, but it was amazing fun. sadly, i did have a case of the "lazy lips" , so i had to tread water every couple of minutes to spit out the seawater and re-adjust my snorkel. as soon as we started the tour, victor noticed two large barracuda following us. then he took us a little ways further, and we got to hold a sea urchin. i was pleasantly surprised to find out that they aren't sharp at all; rather, at the end of their spines are suction cups, so it would actually suck onto our hands. this was passed around to the group, whoever wanted to hold it, and then he put it back where he found it. i've heard conflicting stories about touching. either you can't touch the animals or you can't touch the coral. i KNOW you aren't supposed to touch the coral because you can get crazy bad infections, but, i'm not sure about the rest.

the next thing we saw was an arrow crab. with all the water in my ears and trying to get fresh air instead of salt water, i wasn't sure whether victor had said "arrow crab" or "arab crab", so i had to look it up. it was pretty cool. this isn't the type of crab you'd want on your place at a red lobster (but due to it's size, you'd likely find it at one of those fancy restaurants that you pay $500 for a 7 -course meal and are STILL hungry afterwards). victor let us hold this crab as well, passing it around. it was quite nimble, as it would try to hop out of our hands. looking back, i guess it might've been a bit traumatic for the poor thing, as it tried to escape another flesh-colored monster's hand would come out of nowhere to keep it afloat. we were gentle with it, but i'm guessing it was a bit frustrated. victor then saw a green moray eel hiding down in some rocks on the ocean floor. he freedove down to point it out to us novices who didn't know where to look, and as he approached the eel slid out a bit warning victor to back off. when it slid out, was when we noticed it. he came to the surface and told us that you don't want to mess with the moray eel, it has strong jaws and will take off a finger if you get too close. we swam around for the remaining time, swam over some pretty deep water, and saw some amazing coral. at one point i was just lolling about in some kinda deep water, taking in the experience, and i looked below me. maybe 15 feet below me, a HUGE green moray eel, maybe 4-5 feet long, was slithering through the water. it was kinda freaky because not too many people, if any, saw it but me. it was stalking us. after a brief moment of awe and maybe a 1/4 tablespoon of panic, i calmed down, continued on, and we were soon back on the boat on our way to shark and ray alley.

shark and ray alley came into being because of the local fishermen. many years ago, the fishermen would clean their catch in this area, and apparently sharks and rays are quick studies. before long, the waters were teeming with life going after the leftovers. soon, this area became a wildlife sanctuary, and now it's a cool place to scuba/snorkel with FAIRLY domesticated animals. larger nurse sharks hang out there, and there are loads of stingrays (actually, a group is called a "fever"). when victor chummed some more, they lathered up with water pretty well. while we were here, we saw some stingrays buried in the sand which is their main defense technique, camouflage. they were way down on the bottom of some of the deeper areas. still, some came to the shallower places (maybe 10' or so) with the nurse sharks. victor showed how tame they were several times. on occasion, he would bear hug a nurse shark and hand it off to someone. TheJay held a few actually. he didn't do so well at chasing them down on his own, though it was entertaining to watch him try. victor also took a stingray and put it on his head like a sombrero, then spun around in the water. it was comical to say the least. again i say, victor rocked. i petted a few stingrays, they are incredibly slimy, but docile, it seems, at least in this park. after a bit more swimming with the fishes, it was time to get on the boat, have a pop, and take the ride home.

it was a really amazing trip (sorry i made it so long for you), and i'm so glad TheJay and TheRachel invited me along. there are other little tidbits and bobs about the weekend i may come to randomly at a later date, but i think i've taken enough of your time for now. if you have the chance, definitely visit san pedro, belize, stay at xanadu, eat at caliente and... i forget (TheJay, what was the restaurant we ran into the russians at after snorkeling?), and go snorkeling with victor on the lil' alfonse. maybe i'll have to try scuba diving next time, or night diving.

here's TheRachel and TheJay on the boat going back to the hotel after an enjoyable day of snorkeling... thanks for inviting me

tonight was a scene from a movie

1. find a good friend for a favor


2. find a country road, grass or trees along the edge, hillocks or small hills just beyond the road's edge


3. on a cloudy night, under a navy sky, the hills blue-gray, and the grass lit only by the stray overflow of your headlights, have your friend drive you on this road you've found


4. roll your window down


5. put on any enya song ("caribbean blue" worked well for me)


6. stare out the the passenger window, watching the grass blur past, and the background hills drowsily roll by...


7. ... and just relax, think, take it in

this all happened to me quite accidentally tonight on the way to work. our driver had just gotten off the highway onto the little country road that leads to the plant. i was in the passenger seat (on the left side of the car as this ONCE used to be a british colony), just biding my time until i arrived at my next 13+ hour nightshift, and enya came on my iPod. i happened to look out the open window, and it felt like a sad scene from a movie. the sense of movement but in no particular direction; certainly none of importance. just moving, moving, moving, but not living. it was a sad movie, not one i'm sure i'd want to see in it's entirety. i think soon, there must be a dramatic twist or uncharacteristic action.

i think soon, the writer and director will have to have to agree on a significant re-write.

the last question

this is a short story by isaac asimov i wanted to share with you. you can read it in about 10 minutes or so, but it's long enough that i didn't want to post it here. i've been reading isaac asmimov's foundation series lately, and it is amazing. i found this short story while using stumble, and was equally impressed. it seems a bit monotonous, but that adds to the complete story. also, if you didn't know, asimov likes to jump time-frames rather willy-nilly, particularly in stories like this, where one paragraph is "X" time-frame and then next is "X + 25,000 years" without nothing it. we have to use context clues. if no one has read asimov, i just wanted to give you this glimpse, and maybe hook you like i am.

tell me what you think about it. i was pleasantly surprised by the ending (don't peek), which is why i like asimov.

they're made of meat

i found this webpage sometime in college and thought it was funny. it is a short story by terry bisson having the title of this post. it's an off-the-wall way that some alien species might view us. you can check the original link here, and from there you can get to his main page. if you are feeling adventurous, you can find a short movie based on the short story on YouTube by the the same name. hope you like.

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

the end