do you really care?

it is commonplace for people to ask "how are you?" when seeing someone for the first time in the day. i don't quite like that. i mean, seriously, do you really care? at one time, many, many moons ago, it was probably used as it was supposed to, but now it's turned into a generic greeting that makes me feel uncomfortable. i prefer "what's up" or "what's going on?". with the former, you can deflect the inanity of the question with a smart-ass reply like "the price of oil", "NOT the market", or the old standby, "the sky". with the latter, you have far more topics to speak about: work, family, money, etc.

i speak of this because here in egypt, EVERYONE asks "how are you" (in arabic, of course), and they ask it EVERYTIME they see you. all of you who read this blog know that i'm not doing well. these people don't really care how i'm doing, it's just a common courtesy to ask, but it wears me down having to lie. i might not be thinking about the shitty things that are going on in my life, i might be truly distracted, but when they ask... it all comes flooding back, and i have to then lie. "i'm doing great", "meyya, meyya" (means 100%).

i'm kind of the happy-go-lucky guy at work. i don't raise my voice, i don't complain much, i curse on occasion if i knock my head on a scaffolding pole or something, but in general, everyone knows me to be in a good mood. with this whole shitty situation, i've had to start wearing masks. some days i might be in a piss poor mood, but someone will eventually come up to me, asking me how i am, and i have to throw on the smile, tell them everything's fine, what do they need. it's exhausting. when no one's looking, when no one's around, i can let the mask fade away, but that isn't very often at work. it's strictly an external facade, i still feel like shite inside. some days i'm at it so long, that i can't take it off even when i go home. i can't embrace my issues because i've been faking all day that everything is OK. they really don't want to hear about my shite. they wouldn't understand, and even if they did, they'd probably think less of me. i couldn't tell them the truth anyways; my throat closes when i even remotely think of having to explain what's going on in my heart and in my head. i want someone to talk to, someone strong enough to know that my flaws only compound this situation, and i'm pretty sure they are hard-wired flaws. there's no changing them no matter how much i want to.

TheElectrical advised that i see a therapist (as well as cutting down on drinking, pity smoking, and i should lose weight, but i digress). i suppose it might not be a BAD idea, but again, there are several genetic predispositions i have against that course of action.

1. i think i'm smarter than them - i minored in psychology in school, i took enough classes to have a decent idea what the fukk is wrong with me. granted, i didn't take the "how do you fix it" classes, but i have a general idea of what they would suggest, i suggest it to myself, my friends suggest it to me, but i'm just closed. it's not like i can't see the door, rather, my hand is on the knob, and i just can't turn it. i had a bad experience with a high school psychologist during a break up then. i'd pierced the bridge of my nose with a safety pin, left it in, and went to school. i was kicked out of just about every class, and the psychologist was called in. she said she knew i was an actor (yes, i joined thespians for my girlfriend at the time), that i might be able to put on a good show, but she felt i was like an orange... hard skin on the outside but juicy just underneath that skin. i'm not making this up. right then and there, i labeled her a joke as a professional, figured she was bottom of her class, and wrote her off. i wasn't impressed. i'm sure there HAS to be better therapists out there, but my first impression left a bad taste in my mouth


2. i broke me, so i can fix me - well, technically, I didn't break me, but i put myself into a position that allowed me to let down my guard to be broken. i've been witness to every little psycho synapse firing in my head, i've felt every heart pang for the most unrelated, benign reasons, it's all documented here in my head in my own proprietary format. there's no way i could explain it coherently to someone outside my head. they don't have the right codecs (i'm such a geek). i need time to analyze the data, but i've not had time to arrange it into an easy, user-friendly format. looking at the raw data, right now, it seems it isn't the product that is flawed (again this is preliminary), it's the process. i think i'm pretty damn good at relationships on the whole. everyone has their shortcomings and such, but in general, i think i have a pretty good handle on how things should go. the process is fukked in that, i just spend that time on the wrong people. i'm blinded by attention, by beauty, by learning about new things from new people, by the excitement of this amazing new person who wants to spend time with me. in doing so i might be missing telltale signs that we may not be compatible. i miss the hints, i miss the suggestions.


3. strangers vs. friends - this guy is a complete stranger. how am i going to open up to him, when i have a hard time opening up to my close friends? i was always the guy who listened to other peoples' problems, the shoulder to cry on. i didn't want to burden them with my problems because mine were so insignificant in comparison, so i tried my best to keep quiet. telling a stranger how crazy i am? come on. therapists are only human. they're trained to be non-judgemental, but we are animals. there will always be a judgment made, an impression formed, even if it's in the remotest hollow of the basal ganglia, i'll be judged. my friends know my good and bad already, they already know that and yet, they're still my friends. they accept my idiosyncracies, or at the very least, they aren't threatened by them. they aren't judging me, they already did that years ago, for free, they STILL stuck around, even if only to see what the fukk this guy is going to do next. these are people i love, i trust, and i still have a hard time letting them know exactly how messed up i am. a stranger who has to learn all my background plus current problems in several 60-minute sessions... i don't know if i'd trust their evaluation for lack of thoroughness.


4. i'm just too damn proud - there's not much more that can be added to that. i don't want to be fukked up, i don't want to admit that i can't deal with this on my own. i'm not into holistic medicine, i know my boundaries (i think). if i have cancer or a broken arm or a bullet wound... know i can't fix those, but my brain (unless i'm more fukked up that i though) is not injured. it may be chemically imbalanced or dehydrated, but it's not like something is there that shouldn't be. if there is no physical defect, i think i should be able to manage it myself. mind over matter (except in the case of the aforementioned bullets and such).

you know what i just realized? i'm a hypocrite. you didn't even ask me how i was doing, you mightn't even care, and yet i let you have it. i apologize. had i not ranted on about that in the first part of this post, this would be OK as it is my blog and you came here voluntarily. next time i'll give you warning.

i'm going to try to write more on ZUMEL(i put a short post up there today), really, and i'm going to really try to get some vacation pix and stories up for you soon. i give you my word, and that, my friend, is stronger than graphene. please someone corroborate that for me. hah. later kids.

you're the result of yourself

this is a poem by pablo neruda. throughout this ordeal, i've asked my friends to give me the tough love. i know i'm not doing things right, i know what the right and good thing to do is, but i just can't seem to do it. i want to FEEL better rather than BE better. i've been so steadfast in my apathy, that i've actually made some friends give up (not on me, but on the tough love), because i can't be convinced.

this poem is some more tough love. i wish i could live it.

You're the Result of Yourself
by Pablo Neruda

Don't blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything
Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.
Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself
And the worth of starting to correct your character.
The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.
Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.
Face it with courage and accept it.
Somehow, they are the result of your acts and
It shows that you'll always win.
Don't feel frustrated of your own failures, neither unload them to someone else.
Accept yourself now or you'll go on justifying yourself like a child.
Remember that any time is good to start
And that no time is so good to give up.
Don't forget that the cause of your present is your past,
As the cause of your future will be your present.
Learn from the brave, from the strong,
From who doesn't accept situations
From who will live in spite of everything.
Think less of your problems and more of your work.
Learn to arise from your pain,
And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.
Look at the mirror of yourself and you'll be free and strong
And you'll stop being a puppet of circumstances.
For you yourself are your destiny.
Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.
You're part of the strength of your life now,
Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you'll win in life.
Don't ever think of 'fate'
For fate is the excuse of failures.

it's exactly what i need to do... maybe after munich, the tough love will sink in a bit better. 2 more days

sore

man, i hurt. the site gave the mechanical crew a half-day yesterday, so TheMech and i went to his apartment building's pool on the 7th floor around 3PM. after more than enough vodka tonics, we were thoroughly hammered, he went to the restroom, and i decided to walk over to the railing to look at my building which you can see from the pool deck. wet feet + slick tile is not a good combination. JUST as i was thinking, "man, i hope i don't slip..." off i go, feet flying out from under me landing on my back. this was definitely a water accident not an intoxication accident. when TheMech came out of the bathroom, he found me on the floor trying to catch my breath. i got up no worse aside from a scraped up toe where apparently i'd kicked the wall on the way down. we decided it was time to go, so we went down to his place where his fiance cooked up some dinner, and i was home by around 7PM.

this morning when i got up EVERYTHING hurt. my hips are aching, my back is sore, i'm walking like a 60-year old. i was so glad to get another half-day today to recover. minimal libations will be imbibed today. gotta rest. i posted a short post on ZUMEL, some short, short, SHORT poems i've written lately. i'll post more if they are appropriate. yesterday at the pool, i was venting with TheMech, and i told jules this morning. she wasn't very happy, but i wanted a person in real life to talk to. until now, i've only talked to friends online about jules and my situation. so i don't want to piss anymore people off, so i'll have to look through the poems and see what i can post.

bullets

man, so much to talk about. this morning when we got to site, we heard rumor that our customer laid of some 25 or so people yesterday and didn't pay them, so today, no one is working. there are maybe 5-10 people available out of several hundred.

• i got a call from TheSiteLead to book a flight today to doha, qatar to pick up some balance weights (we have a slight vibration problem onsite). he gave me the name of the guy i was to contact there, and i had to tell him i'd rather not go. he's someone i know about who i'd rather not meet... right now.


• i think i forgot to tell you guys that i FINALLY paid off my school loans last month. we were all going to have a celebration, bitches for me, but then the jules thing shite the bed, and the party was moved to the background. my school cost total about $125k. when i consolidated in '03 or '04, i had about $25k i owed still. i buy some toys, but until that was done, i considered myself broke because i was paying as much as possible as often as possible to get out from under that mountain of debt. i was going to be debt-free up until i made a significant jewelry purchase in april that is no longer necessary. i'm paying that off for now, not sure what to do with it after, so about one more year then i'm out of debt again.


• i really despise debt. i know no one likes it, but i just feel so oppressed by it at times (and though i've had significant debt from school and such, i've never really been unable to pay off my payments). i bought both my trucks cash (the first one was $2k, my most recent was about $10k). i don't like payments. i never over-extend my credit card, i use it to get hotel points on purchases and usually pay it off within a few days of the purchase. i don't own a house, but that is going to have to change soon. i'm growing up, and it's hard to bring a girl back to a hotel and have her think you respectable. maybe i'll throw myself a little party tonight for my school loan payment completion.


• i'm tired.


• i'm lonely.


• my bed is empty, and i've lost my break-up poem book. good thing i transcribed most of them before i lost it, but still, there are things in there i might not want some people to see.


• people tell me it gets easier every day, but if it does, that means how i feel about her has changed, and i don't want that. ignorance would've been bliss in this case, damn my 6th sense.


• i'm going to munich for oktoberfest 2 weeks from today with an former colleague. i heard word today that his roommate in training and friend of mine might try to meet us over there as well. that would SO rock. now i just need to get motivated to find a flight, and hopefully one of them is on the accommodations. once i got on that R&R, that'll be almost one whole month jules and i won't see each other. i'm gone from 30-sept through about 15-oct, and i think she leaves 15 or 16-oct through the end of the month to see a friend in poland. damn separating, er, separate R&Rs. the last one in australia was so fun.


• i might go the gym tonight, get toned up for the deutsch beergirls, see if i've lost any more weight.

that's enough for now, it's lunch time, and i need to think about other things.

the storm

again, with my goofy metaphors. i'm still so tired. work is hectic, the schedule is pushed beyond it's breaking point, and some of us are as well. yesterday, i told our friends/colleagues onsite that jules and i have broken up. it was tough, but jules wanted it to be done. i didn't really care one way or the other. i didn't get into the details, just that we ran in to a problem we couldn't resolve. they're supportive, offering even to find me a filipino girlfriend. hah. we are doing this in a strange manner, but it's being done as professionally as possible in relation to our work relationships.

in other news, i'm still adjusting to my hair. it does some CRAZY things all by itself. i'll have to get a pic when it's wet. maybe i'll turn this blog into a new haircut modeling blog. jeez.

so... now i can see the storm, it's not very far off at all. later tonight and tomorrow, it will hit. my one main switch is taking it's time getting in position, but i'm confident it will in time. i can feel it moving, and it has to, that's what this is all about. tonight, i'm going out with TheMech and TheSiteLead to blow off some steam. we have to work tomorrow so it can't be insane, but substantial. i was thinking of staying home and just catching up on sleep, but i know it wouldn't come so easily without some help, so i guess you could say i'm being proactive. 4.5 hours before i get to leave and deal with the storm head on. i'm anxious, scared, sick, and mildly accepting of this task.

i'm done writing for now. check here and ZUMEL for the updates.

happy birthday to my friends, TheEJ (a day late) and TheJaneAnn (today).

a force nine blowing on the beaufort scale... "storm front" - bill joel

man, i'm tired. i've noticed that when i sleep alone, i need way more sleep than when i share a bed with someone. i went to bed last night around 10:30pm and woke up at 5:30am... still spent. i only had one beer last night too, i was trying to regulate things, well since that didn't happen, i'll have to jump to the other side of the spectrum tonight, except jules and i might go on a bike ride and grab some dinner while we're out. riding bikes in maadi is fun, and despite being even more fun while slightly intoxicated, it is MUCH more dangerous.

my new cut is growing on me. it is kinda fun to play with. jules can't stop smiling when she looks at it and plays with it. that's nice for everyone. i wake up in the morning and it is TALL and resilient. i can't make it out of it's pre-stressed condition without lots of water. i need to get some "product" (jules' word) soon so i can go out in public without my mini-fro.

there are storm clouds a gathering next week. it'll be interesting to see how things go down, though i expect there will be little to no drama. i try to keep drama out of my life despite it traveling it's way to find me nevertheless. strangely enough, had i been a bit more diligent in something that was SO COMPLETELY unrelated to the situation, that storm would still be little more than a dirty breeze in the ocean for another month or so. funny how life works. i expect you to monitor my psychological condition over at ZUMEL this coming week. to compare my blogs to anything remotely sensible, NT is the front page, the updates, the breaking news, while ZUMEL is the want ads, the dirty local gossip in my life that's hidden in the back pages of the paper, all muddy from lying on the sidewalk.

anyways, it looks like i'm going to munich with a former colleague for 2 weeks at the beginning of october. he's try to get me there and two of his other buddies. we are going to spend a few days at the end of octoberfest, and then who knows what. i'm supposed to find the accommodations, but blah, i'm so tired and work is getting busy... it's killing me. i'll just hole up under a table and drink the dregs. i haven't even booked my flight. everyone thinks i need to get away for a bit, but i can't be bothered to get motivated. luckily, it does come and go, just i need it to go for a bit longer than a few hours when i'm so busy with work i don't have time to think about it. i need clear time in front of the computer to book my flight, look at a place to stay, and figure out what the hell else we are going to do in europe for 12-13 days, all the while trying to not think about storms.

i think i need to write a memoir about all the crazy ass stupid shit i do, but then i'd probably get locked up for being crazy or getting arrested for talking about something i did that i didn't know what illegal or something. i'm better at writing stream-of-consciousness poetry and prose than long essays, and chapters rambling on and on about nothing; but, i've done some things that would be so cool if some people found out about, well maybe not cool, but they'd see me in a whole new light, and it's not a bad light, it's just... polarized.

i'm getting off-track. re-reading this, you might think i was a bit intoxicated, but that's impossible at this point in time. i guess i just got lost for a bit.

my ramadan beard

what do you think of it? actually i started growing it when i got lazy from the shite that's fallen all about me, but when some of the muslims onsite asked about it, i told them i was converting to islam for the month of ramadan. they laughed, probably because they barely know a lick of english, but it's my joke now.

i woke up in a bad mood this morning, and it only got worse. in the morning we stop at the petrol station to get some sandwiches for lunch, drinks, and there's an HSBC ATM there. the first time i used it, i was scared. the card inserter/ejector device is slow as bawlz, like old-lady-crossing-the-street-in-manhattan slow and unsteady. i really was surprised to get my card back. since then, i've gotten used to it. today, AS SOON as i put my card in the slot, a screen came up apologizing for being out of order, so i hit cancel, and it wouldn't give me my TheGeneral CORPORATE card back!!! i hit cancel and error numerous times to no avail so i had my driver call the 24-hour number on the machine. they said that someone will come look at the machine, collect the card, and they'd be back at the HSBC office near my house at noon. i had to come before 1:30PM though because the bank closes then the ENTIRE month of ramadan, and today was day numero uno. the good thing about this was i got to leave work early to get it. i left at 11:00AM, got the the bank around 12:15PM, and waited until 1:00PM when the guy finally arrived with "the box". we followed him to the "ATM department-restricted access" door with the fancy keypad (i saw the code, i'm making a dash for the cash). i gave them my passport and aobut 15 minutes later they came out with my card. i'm so happy. then i offered the driver a meal at KFC next door. i ordered a wrap for lunch and a sandwich for snack/dinner. after about 15 minutes waiting around, the guy comes out and says they don't have sandwiches today. seriously, WTF took 15 minutes to figure that out? so i left in a huff and came home. i'm gonna hop on my bike now and do some exercising/shopping.

NOTE: btw, i uploaded that picture with my eye-fi card, how frickin' cool is that? that means, i took the photo, the eye-fi card encoded my GPS location using local router triangulation to the pic, and automatically uploaded it to my flickr account without any interference from me. if you click on the pic, and at the right, you see "taken in al maadi, al qahirah", click on the map link. i didn't have to put it on the map, it did it all by it's lonesome, and that is my exact building. really... i think that is so cool

decisions

i've taken the first step down a path that i fear there's no turning back from. it was tough but had to be done. there's so much that has to be done that we just don't want to do. it's exhausting. in other news, we had burger and margarita night at TheMech's place last night. it was fun. it was good to smile again for a bit.

support

thanks to everyone for the support, advise, calling me a dumbass... i need it, keep it up. i'm hearing you, i'm just not sure i'm listening.

as much as i can't be motivated to do anything extraneous lately, i have an R&R coming up. jules and i pushed it out originally to the end of october. she thinks i need to get away, she needs some room too. my head hates the idea since she's been gone over a month already, but maybe i need to do something. i'll talk to the site lead about moving i up a bit, if possible. TheJay and his wife were thinking about going to ireland for the labor day weekend. it may be too late for me to try that, and i haven't heard confirmation of whether they're going or not. TheSwedishChefDave invited me to france for a bit, a good college friend invited me to ATL, but i can't go to the states right now, getting my federal income tax refund is more important than mental health right now. any other ideas? anyone wanting to meet me in europe or egypt in the next few weeks? come on, i know SOMEONE wants to. let me know.

treading water

i'm doing things lately that i need to do in order to get by, and in the morning, i hate that i did them. the time wasted on them was inordinate. not enough hours in the day, and i waste so many. not enough days in this life we have, and i waste so many. i need to replace that which i do to get by, but i can't think of a suitable replacement. it wasn't supposed to be like this.

cliff's notes for just about every heartbreak poem ever

right now i want to:
          go home, go to sleep
          walk away
          kiss her
          hold her
          kill him
          scream at her
          fix her
          get fucked up
          get REALLY fucked up
          beat something
          cut something
          make her understand
          talk to her about everything she hasn't
          take a few days off with her
          make love to her, make her forget
          show her how good it is, how good we are
          see her smile, make her laugh
          feel her love again
          make him disappear
          make it all... go... away
          not be aimless
          not feel so alone, empty
          scare her, really fucking scare her
          make her cry
          make her love me again
          have more hours in the day to do it
          have more days on this job to do it
          take her out, show her a good time, on a date again
          make her believe in miracles, in us
          give her the ring and ask her anyways
          show it to her and throw that fucking ring in the river
          to not change us for the other, but to improve ourselves, together, for us
          us to talk, about it all
          that one sweet, slow deep kiss
          to be bitten again
          her to want me
          her to bleed for me like i do for her
          her to have hope
          to feel her breath on my neck again
          to hear her heart flutter, her breath catch when i graze her skin
          that cuddled sleep-sigh of hers, content to be close to me, to be mine
          to make her see gods and cry out to them

how many of those will happen? i dare not guess or dream.

my life, to date, has been good

but right now, i am, to date, pretty much at rock bottom, but it's like rock bottom with a view... of the pool... foundation... or something.

i wish i could talk to you about this

but right now, i don't know what to say. i sound so emo. things are crumbling around me, and in the process, building me a fairly comfortable castle of rubble. a toe is stubbed on occasion, sore back from a few nights on the rocks, bleary eyes, dust and tears, and an indeterminate countdown exploding second-by-second in my brain.

does that help explain? yeah, i didn't think so, but if you need a soundtrack, grab pretty much any "blue october" CD. that's what's been on for me.

postcard from the depths

depending on my wildly variable state of mind lately, i go from "this feels good, fun, it's what i need, things will work out for the best... whatever that is" to "holy what the FUKK am i doing! i'm an idiot, this really, really, REALLY sucks, and i just want to go to sleep". mind you, my mind-state varies pretty much minute-to-minute. it is really exhausting, horribly frustrating, and generally makes me pretty easy to read due to fatigue. that sucks when people ask questions i don't want to answer.

from the child

i. near-sighted

          mother
i don’t want to take my glasses off tonight
when i go to sleep
and this time i’d like to keep on the light
          mother
something’s wrong i can feel it
i need to see it, watch it’s approach
          mother
without my glasses you know i’m blind
when it arrives, it’ll hurt so much more
when it gets here
i see its breath and it drowns the horizon
but
          mother
i don’t know what it is
i’m not going to sleep tonight
or any night from now on
i won’t let it get me with my eyes shut
with my eyes blind
          mother
i am scared, but it is coming for me
so you sleep
i’ll hold it off as long as i can
so i’ll keep my glasses
and keep on the light


ii. abandon

mother please tell me about
all my dreams again
i seem to have lost them along the way
they were beautiful, weren’t they?
mother?
          oh sweetie, where have your dreams gone to
i don’t know
          where did you have them last?
i don’t know, mother
          you must know
i think she took them away with her
i think she needed some for her own
they were nice dreams, right mother?
they were nice when they were mine?
           of course, dear, you had some of the best
          and i’m sure you’ll have more
          just close your eyes, dear
          relax, go to sleep, dear
mother
you know i can’t sleep anymore.

i haven't posted any poetry in a while. today i was going through some old college paperwork and found some i really liked. i might post a few in the coming days.

for friends in far away places

i wanted to post this video for all those people out there who might be far away from the one they love. it's a song called "hey delilah" by the plain white T's. being in MY field that happens far more often than it should. this song is particularly meaningful to me for that reason. i was talking to a buddy of mine for the first time in a while last night, and it reminded me of this song. he was with TheGeneral, we trained together, but he was smart enough to get out after a few years and go back to school. he just broke up with his gf who is from one of the countries in the EU. i have another friend in the same field who's marriage may be on the rocks because of the job. it's a killer. so, this song's for you. it works for me when i'm down. no problem with hope, ya know.

"i want to see you," she said

i would have to say, the weekend jules and i shared in salt lake city was probably one of our best.

several days before, she called me letting me know i didn't have to come to the wedding. we both knew what was going to happen out there, and she didn't want me to feel obligated, or to come with false hope. i assured her i wanted to come, i wanted to at least see her one more time, and i wanted to do this in person. i'd said time and time again... "if it doesn't hurt, it didn't mean anything", and i wanted the past 2 years to mean something. breaking up via e-mail, phone calls, and distance hurt, but not enough, not like it should. it would've been too impersonal.

i'd worked up a plan that i had little hope she'd go for, but it was worth a try. we knew what was going to happen, so i wanted, as soon as we met up at the airport (our flights were to land within 15 minutes of each other around 10:30AM friday morning), that we'd go to the hotel, get out the "why's", the "who's", the "how's", we'd talk it all out, then (and here's the part i didn't think would fly), i was hoping we could spend the weekend as a couple, smile, laugh, kiss, flirt, etc., and then "sign the paperwork" at the airport monday, when we caught our separate flights.

that plan didn't go through 100%, but things did end up working out spectacularly. jules was supposed to land at 10:15AM, and i was supposed to at 10:30AM. i'd arrived an hour early, but there was no gate, so we ended up waiting on the tarmac until we got out original gate, that sucked. jules arrived about 15 minutes early, and they actually got to their gate LATE for some reason, so i was in the baggage claim, thinking maybe she'd gone to the rental car desk already, when actually she hadn't gotten off the plane yet. there was a group of missionaries on my flight from columbus to SLC, and they were WAY behind me. i was already in the baggage claim waiting, when i heard of roar of cheers and clapping as the missionaries descended the stairs into the baggage claim. those mormons LOVE their missionaries. well, jules was coming down the stairs around about the same time, and she walked past the crowd over to me. we hadn't seen each other in 3 months, since our rendezvous in the west of ireland, and we kinda knew the situation, so their was a bit of awkwardness as we stood together. we hugged, and i wasn't sure if a kiss was appropriate so that was scratched from the schedule. our bags came quickly enough, and while waiting for them, we'd made plans with a friend of hers in SLC to meet for drinks and brunch. my plan was off-track so soon.

we made our way to hertz where we picked up a new ford mustang... it's my vacation, too, and i wanted to show off with some american muscle. we throw our bags in, and as i back it out of the spot, something doesn't sound right... maybe brakes rubbing? i pull forward a bit, still sounds strange, i stop and check that the e-brake isn't on, that's ok, so i keep going. the faster i go, the worse it gets, and maybe 1/2 mile outside the rental garage, i ask jules to stick her hea dout and look at the tires... completely flat front right tire. COME ON!!! this is a rental car, i shouldn't HAVE to check that. it was too far (and hot) to leave the car and walk back, and since it was their fault, i wasn't too concerned in driving it around the ring road back to he garage. we get back, i park the car as close to the desk as possible, and go complain. while i'm complaining, the security guard tells jules to move it, it's in the way of such and such, so she gave the guy the keys and told HIM to move it. it's broke, and she's done with it. i tell hertz the issue, and they ask how I got the flat. what!? i've been gone 2 minutes, you gave it to me the way!!! after a bit of debate, they decided to replace the car, but they didn't have another mustang, would i be OK with a dodge charger? that's the car i wanted in the first place, but it was a bit pricey for a weekend where we MIGHT not drive too much. so they gave me a charger (took about 40 minutes to get it there), and we were on our way.

we went to the hotel, dropped the bags, and went to meet TheJo (her female college friend) at a local bar. in SLC, you have to be a member to get into bars... that means you pay an exorbitant fee the first time, you get free t-shirts and drink glasses you forget to take with you the 1st time (and only get on the first time), and you get to bring 7 MORE people everytime you show up, rock on. we went, we drank, we ate, it was a good time. jules and i went back to the hotel and talked about the wedding present. i didn't want to wake up early on saturday to get it, so i offered the choice to get it that day, they had a target registry, let's do it NOW, and save the hassle. we did, i picked the first thing i saw that i thought was great, she agreed but wanted to look, we looked, we decided on my thing, and dropped it off back at the hotel. i'm guessing we went for dinner and drinks, but i can't recall, for the life of me, where. jules, TheJo, and i ended up at ami and chris's (the couple getting married) that night where i met several of the close friend's invited to the wedding. i had a good time, though i was a bit tired/jet-lagged/drunk.

that night we fell asleep talking about "us"... what went wrong? was there any glimmer of hope? was it me? did she find someone else? etc. the answers were, respectively, we were living separate lives - the distance got to be too much for her; not really; it wasn't me; she didn't find anyone else. it was tough for me to accept, but that's the way it had to be: in person, we had to see each other cry over this ending.

the next day, we talked a bit more before starting the day, and she was cool with the breaking up monday thing. that was awesome, cuz i missed kissing her. i missed everything about her. the wedding was a late one, 5PM, right outside our hotel, so we got up and had brunch at a place we'd gone to several times (squatter's, i believe). we went to TheJo's place where the girls talked about outfits and comfy shoes that don't match so well as opposed to 4" heels that'll hurt but look better. girls! after figuring that out, jules and i went back to the hotel with TheJo coming in about 15 minutes. when TheJo got to our hotel room (you needed to put the room key in a slot in the elevator to get to our floor, how cool?), they wrapped the gift we'd gotten, then we goofed around, listened to music, and went to the wedding.

the wedding was really nice. it was outside the hotel in their side courtyard thing. the only thing they might've thought more about was the unity candle as they had a hard time keeping it lit in the wind. it was a bit warm at sunset, but there were water and drinks available to the guests as they were seated. the ceremony was nice and short. it was a mix of denomination-free and hindu wedding rituals, as ami is of indian-descent. the wedding was small, with the matron of honor being ami's sister, pervi, and chris's best man being his brother (i believe). there was an exuberant flower girl who barreled down the aisle and dropped the flowers at the end as an afterthought.

the reception was just a few steps from where the ceremony was held, on the tiered-lawn outside the hotel. the appetizer and food table was set up at one end of the lawn, and the open bar at the other with a nice removable parquet dance floor in between. the food was great, the drinks were flowing, and pervi wanted me to dance. i'm not a big dancer, but i have been dancing quite a bit lately come to think of it. i still need a few drinks to get the joints loosened up, though. pervi asked me to dance, and i told her i needed about an hour. wouldn't ya know it, almost exactly an hour later, she comes up and drags me onto the dance floor as they'd started playing "grease lightning" from grease. i was resisting, but it was futile. as soon as my feet hit the dancefloor, i was breaking it down. it just hit my out of the blue, and we DANCED!!! i don't recall if the floor was empty or we emptied it, but it didn't take too long, and we were the only ones on the floor. my high school theater skills came back en force. pervi and i acted out every line of the song, we danced, we played to the audience, it was craziness. i thought we were done when that song was over, but they immediately played "summer lovin'". we couldn't let our captive audience down, so we did that one too. i'm SOOOO glad i don't have a copy of the movie, but sadly, the bride and groom do, and due to the events of the weekend, odds of me running into ami and chris again are even slimmer now, so i might be lucky enough not to see the movie. everyone we ran into the rest of the night thanked us for the great show, but i still felt bad for being so outlandish. after that, we did the typical reception thing. jules and i danced SOOO much. we slow danced, we two-stepped, we did the "cha cha slide" (the first time in my existence). i even dragged her up to dance a few times. i knew it'd more than likely be the last time, so i had to get my fill. it was a really great wedding/reception, day/night, one of those you want to last longer than it will.

the next day, jules, TheJo, and i went to ami and chris's to take them our gift, since we didn't bring it to the wedding. i figured we'd take it to the reception, but since the reception was immediately after, we didn't have a chance to go to the room. we helped them move their excess alcohol from the garage to their root cellar, we looked at their awesome gifts, and had a few drinks. we talked about where they were going for their honeymoon (crap, i forget... peru, and maybe ecuador, and mexico on the way back. something like that). after talking about what they should eat before they go (indian or sushi, since they won't get either where they were going), we decided to go to get sushi for dinner. i'd only had the supermarket, pre-fabbed sushi before, and liked it so i was game. WOW!!! i'd never had REAL sushi, and it seriously... it was love at first bite (a bit gimmicky, i know). we ordered like 20 plates or something like that and killed them all. it was the best.

after that, we dropped ami and chris off with a chance of meeting them at a bar later, and we took TheJo home. we hoped ami and chris would make it out, but they had packing and honeymoon stuff to do, so we weren't surprised when they didn't show up. jules and i had gone to this bar before the last time we were in SLC. it was OK, loud music, pool tables, etc. we sat at the bar and talked. we drank and talked and drank and talked. we didn't want the night to end, as this was going to be our last together, so we drew it out as long as we could. it was really nice just sitting and talking, kinda how we started the relationship. it was funny how there were a lot of parallels to how we started and ended. we met each other at the hotel bar in india for work, our last night together, we sat at a bar, talking laughing, etc (but without the tour of the closed park and ATM machine we made during our first encounter). we/i kinda determined our anniversary date would be the night before i left india for red's wedding in 2005. i stopped by her room to drop off my bags the night before i was to leave, but i was invited in and we talked until the sun came up and i needed to catch my ride to the airport. if it weren't for that wedding, maybe we wouldn't've started dating, and we ended it officially at her friend's wedding.

the next day, we woke up, packed, and hit the road. we went to jules' gate where we sat and kinda pondered in silent the end. i'm a romantic, so it was tough for me. i get choked up easily, so anytime i tried to talk, it was more squeaks and fighting back tears. that's me, i can't help it. we had fun together, we were good together, we were DAMN sexy together, and i didn't want it to end, but such is life and love. we hugged and kissed and said our goodbyes as they called her flight. there was no made-for-the-movies change of mind, no heroic running through the terminal to stop a bad decision; it was just her boarding a plane, and me putting my sunglasses on as i walked away to find my way home without making a scene, hah. and that was the end of one of the best weekends we'd ever had. and my... those legs!!! how i'll miss them.

ironically, i finished this post today, 24-july-07, what would've been our 2-year anniversary. i've been struggling over writing this for about 3 weeks now, funny how the timing worked out. jules and i still e-mail on occasion. it's still tough for me, but, again, i'm a hopeless romantic... i have no chance. not so much that i even want it to though, but that is far more than what this post is about. thanks for taking the ride with me.